The Call
Our mothers grew up during the height of the Feminist Revolution.Now our revolution is one of self awareness. Our revolution is one of responsability.Women were once the measuring stick of morality.We aren't doing such a good job of that now.We can get away with anything.Why not get away with figuring it all out and feeling some real love.
The mental progression of Acting to Being
No tralala cingular phone slow backwards talking hipster dress anxiety depression ignoring shopping speedwalking airkissing busybusybusy compulsive everything twitch unrealistic dreams in place of beautiful real dreams complain about the same thing the whole day no more breathing your brain fails to breathe but then it wakes up only to go back to sleep again where it sifts through the moments like being in space but we are all in space drifting faster than an astronaut but still swimming through air faster than any butterfly swimmer muscles and bones cutting through the a thick fog of totality.
11.10.06
Ashley Woo
16.6.06
example of what i've been up to these past couple of years, bad example in case someone decides to copy it and paste it and be all like look its a dra
ing and its mine and now i'm going to make money off of you.
HAHAAAAA, this is a crappier drawing so it won't sell!
*yeeeheee* I run off into the sunset
HAHAAAAA, this is a crappier drawing so it won't sell!
*yeeeheee* I run off into the sunset
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genève me manque!
:(
if you miss geneva don't go to www.geneve-tourisme.ch, it makes you miss it all even more.
it was really a beautiful place wasn't it?
or still is really...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------genève me manque!
:(
if you miss geneva don't go to www.geneve-tourisme.ch, it makes you miss it all even more.
it was really a beautiful place wasn't it?
or still is really...
5.6.06
25.5.06
Life explained Part 2
Realise that the sun doesn't go down, its just an illusion caused by the world spinning round
-flaming lips
so back to making your life what you want it to be
WITHIN
The resistance is strong, even stronger than WITHOUT. You're thinking, but there are no greater forces than my parents telling me what not to do, and my friends telling me what to do.
Again you are wrong. Inside is the greatest force of all, it is the most powerful only because you're the one who has total control. Let's put God aside for a minute, and let's look at the you. You have the most control over yourself, right? No one can make you think anything you don't want to, and no one makes you do the things you do except yourself. Well considering this fact then, why don't you think more about what you are saying or doing?
Well there are defence mechanisms, childhood experiences that have shaped you, and a host of people you are close to or was close to who have affected your life so that you might think in a certain way.
Example
You find yourself saying, "why the hell does this keep happening to me?" about certain circumstances. The strong emotional implications this question mean that you think that these things that keep "happening" to you are bad things. The verb happening suggests that someone/something else is doing these things to you. But only you, essentially, are doing them to yourself. Lets take this scenario: someone is talking to you about their grandmother and you are washing dishes at the time, once they get into more intricate details about their grandmother you accidentally break a dish. You start swearing and you ask yourself, why did that happen? You sedate your mind with "oh I'm just stressed". The universal excuse. To honestly figure out what is going on inside you so that you don't injure a plate or accidentally bump into something, you should ask yourself the more appropriate question of "why now?".
If you really are curious enough your brain will backtrack through the conversations you've been having and the things you've been subconsciously thinking, and then BAM! you will most likely make a connection. Your grandmother took care of you as much as your mother did as a child but she's gotten mad at your mother so shes not talking to the family much. You've tried to forget it and have put it into denial so that you didn't have to cry about missing her. NOW you realise that hey, I dropped the plate because of my grandmother. Then next time grandmothers come up in conversation you will realise more quickly what feelings you are denying yourself.
More often than not, when something doesn't make sense, it's due to the deprivation of something that you've told yourself isn't right for you. These are irrational rules you gave yourself as a child, when things were very very different. Therefore, it logically follows that this thing that supposidly isn't right for you has to be good for you because its screaming to get out of your system.
Well, at least you have control now.
To be continued...
-flaming lips
so back to making your life what you want it to be
WITHIN
The resistance is strong, even stronger than WITHOUT. You're thinking, but there are no greater forces than my parents telling me what not to do, and my friends telling me what to do.
Again you are wrong. Inside is the greatest force of all, it is the most powerful only because you're the one who has total control. Let's put God aside for a minute, and let's look at the you. You have the most control over yourself, right? No one can make you think anything you don't want to, and no one makes you do the things you do except yourself. Well considering this fact then, why don't you think more about what you are saying or doing?
Well there are defence mechanisms, childhood experiences that have shaped you, and a host of people you are close to or was close to who have affected your life so that you might think in a certain way.
Example
You find yourself saying, "why the hell does this keep happening to me?" about certain circumstances. The strong emotional implications this question mean that you think that these things that keep "happening" to you are bad things. The verb happening suggests that someone/something else is doing these things to you. But only you, essentially, are doing them to yourself. Lets take this scenario: someone is talking to you about their grandmother and you are washing dishes at the time, once they get into more intricate details about their grandmother you accidentally break a dish. You start swearing and you ask yourself, why did that happen? You sedate your mind with "oh I'm just stressed". The universal excuse. To honestly figure out what is going on inside you so that you don't injure a plate or accidentally bump into something, you should ask yourself the more appropriate question of "why now?".
If you really are curious enough your brain will backtrack through the conversations you've been having and the things you've been subconsciously thinking, and then BAM! you will most likely make a connection. Your grandmother took care of you as much as your mother did as a child but she's gotten mad at your mother so shes not talking to the family much. You've tried to forget it and have put it into denial so that you didn't have to cry about missing her. NOW you realise that hey, I dropped the plate because of my grandmother. Then next time grandmothers come up in conversation you will realise more quickly what feelings you are denying yourself.
More often than not, when something doesn't make sense, it's due to the deprivation of something that you've told yourself isn't right for you. These are irrational rules you gave yourself as a child, when things were very very different. Therefore, it logically follows that this thing that supposidly isn't right for you has to be good for you because its screaming to get out of your system.
Well, at least you have control now.
To be continued...
Music that reminds me of my dad
George Harrison
E.L.O.
The BeeGees
The Kinks
The Beach Boys
The Hollies
ABBA
Eric Clapton
The Carpenters
E.L.O.
The BeeGees
The Kinks
The Beach Boys
The Hollies
ABBA
Eric Clapton
The Carpenters
16.5.06
Life- explained
let them know that you realise that life goes fast and its hard to make the good things last.
-Flaming Lips
The world is full of stupid people.
No one realises that they are blindly going through every day.
You think yourself an exception
Well unless you are the messiah or jesus, and no you aren't, you are NOT doing what you want.
You are either doing what your MOM or your DAD wants you to do, or conversely what SOCIETY wants from you.
Now, if you are intelligent enough to go ahead and figure out what You really want it, you have to realise there will be alot of resistance, from WITHIN and WITHOUT.
WITHOUT
Your parents, who want you to be an architect, a christian protege, a perfect mom, a doctor, a financial wizard, kind, strong, courageous, intelligent, aspiring, rich, and better, stronger, more intelligent than you ever are. In other words a perfect android version of themselves.
Note: THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE
Then why do so many people think that they have to do what their parents want them to do?
They believe that their parents are GODS.
No? You're not controlled by your parents? Well notice how your behaviour changes around them, either to please them or to go against what you really want.
So how do they stop being GODS to you?
Well you can realise this, when, and only when, you have a DIFFERENT relationship with them than you did, say when you were 14. You talk to them as fellow adults, you converse philsophically, politically, realisticly, openly about life and love and happiness and sadness. That is of course if you are lucky enough to have open and understanding parents. If you have the more shitty kind, then you sort of hope for short conversations with polite silences, or at the most alienation of some sort. NO MORE UMBILICAL CORD.
All of this is not easy. Parents have access to most of your insecurities and hard decisions, they will most likely think they know better or ask very hard questions to answer. These recqure practise to handle or avoid.
To be continued...
-Flaming Lips
The world is full of stupid people.
No one realises that they are blindly going through every day.
You think yourself an exception
Well unless you are the messiah or jesus, and no you aren't, you are NOT doing what you want.
You are either doing what your MOM or your DAD wants you to do, or conversely what SOCIETY wants from you.
Now, if you are intelligent enough to go ahead and figure out what You really want it, you have to realise there will be alot of resistance, from WITHIN and WITHOUT.
WITHOUT
Your parents, who want you to be an architect, a christian protege, a perfect mom, a doctor, a financial wizard, kind, strong, courageous, intelligent, aspiring, rich, and better, stronger, more intelligent than you ever are. In other words a perfect android version of themselves.
Note: THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE
Then why do so many people think that they have to do what their parents want them to do?
They believe that their parents are GODS.
No? You're not controlled by your parents? Well notice how your behaviour changes around them, either to please them or to go against what you really want.
So how do they stop being GODS to you?
Well you can realise this, when, and only when, you have a DIFFERENT relationship with them than you did, say when you were 14. You talk to them as fellow adults, you converse philsophically, politically, realisticly, openly about life and love and happiness and sadness. That is of course if you are lucky enough to have open and understanding parents. If you have the more shitty kind, then you sort of hope for short conversations with polite silences, or at the most alienation of some sort. NO MORE UMBILICAL CORD.
All of this is not easy. Parents have access to most of your insecurities and hard decisions, they will most likely think they know better or ask very hard questions to answer. These recqure practise to handle or avoid.
To be continued...
11.5.06
Long lost links
"But I never do. I love my telephone, but I hate telephones.
I hate the peremptory summons their ring heralds, the interruption by anyone who cares to do so. I hate the unforgiving silences, unnoticible in person but which on the phone invites either babble and inanity or curious awkwardness. I hate the lack of visual clues, the small yet pestering worry that the other person is at that very moment skewering their eyes out with boredom at my idea of light, urbane chat. I hate wondering if anyone I might care to call might resent the interruption as much as I probably would. "
www.greenfairy.com
I hate the peremptory summons their ring heralds, the interruption by anyone who cares to do so. I hate the unforgiving silences, unnoticible in person but which on the phone invites either babble and inanity or curious awkwardness. I hate the lack of visual clues, the small yet pestering worry that the other person is at that very moment skewering their eyes out with boredom at my idea of light, urbane chat. I hate wondering if anyone I might care to call might resent the interruption as much as I probably would. "
www.greenfairy.com
2.5.06
I heart landscapes
The active pattern of the clouds and the sharp contrasts between sunny areas on the earth and those darkened by the intervention of clouds give a brilliantly observed impression of the variable weather of Holland, where the sunlight shifts or is lost from moment to moment.
-description of Jacob van Ruisdael painting.
nice.
3.2.06
27.1.06
A step closer. My Boyfriend's a Supergenius
What I see now:
- A corkboard with inspirational messages, a little bare because it is so big.
- Delicious Cran-Strawberry juice.
- Wipes for my hands.
- A t-rex glass.
- Mixed Berry fruit bars.
- A statuette of a fairy with ballet slippers and a little crown, very cartoon like looking up at the sky happy/vain.
- A big purple candle with Mary on it (No i am not suddenly a religious fanatic) (the candle was just pretty)(...from Walmart ok :P)
- A Starwars watch that flips itself over (muy coolcool) one side Princess Lea the other side Jar Jar that I got in my stocking for Xmas and it is from Burger King.
- Dental Insurance cards.
- Twistables-the smoothest crayons ever.
- A keyboard specially for playing AOE3 (Age of Empires 3)
- Notebooks for school and a million and one syllabuses.
- A white plastic and wire christmas tree with multicolored christmas tree balls.
- A massive plastic snow globe with two stuffed penguins and a stuffed snowman.
- Laundry
- Busbook
- Nijntje One day at a time calender.
Before.
Long Christmas break, but then hey it all ran into another without having school last semester. I spent it at Ted's family's house and it went well. His family is great. Especially his younger brother. He's a 10 year old but its like talking Shyam or something. I could have pretty intellectual conversations with him and he reminded me also of who I was when I was a kid.
New Years spent playing games and watching the Ball drop in Times square on TV here in La Palma (California).
Interlude about the Supergenius.
Ted, my boyfriend for all of you who don't know yet, is being wonderful as usual, even through all the shit I have to/am putting myself through. I don't really know how he does it. He is, as the title suggests a supergenius. There are very little logicisms and facets of life that he hasn't harmoniously incorporated into his philosophy of life. He is as he has called himself, quietly confident. In my past it has been very uncool to talk about boyfriends in my blog. It is a sign of one of my bigger problems, but I am learning to be proud of the man who cares about me, and who I love a lot. I am slowly learning how to be a better girlfriend, but there are many obstacles.
Back to Blahblah.
After that we went to Amsterdam. Met my parents. Its like going back in time as an ever changing me, but this time a little more aware of how my surroundings really are and how I really want to be and what I really want. But hey its the 20something I'm trying to find myself. That line that ever perplexed me as a teenager, now instills some sense of pride, even though I'm putting up the biggest fight of all to withstand the ever dawning realities of becoming an adult. And that said, I still have no real concept of having a job, handling money, or sustainably having a household. There is so much shit next to that you can't believe.
School, an institution i've been part of for the past 13 years of my life has suddenly become .... yes here it comes my dearly spoiled friends **********!!!******* my responsability. I was probably the most spoiled out of all of you, because my parents, and mostly my mom did literally all the beaurocratic (and life long affecting decisions making) work for me (parts of which I am definitely not complaining about). But now I'm stuck here in a puddle of, wow...did I really do all of this already. How the hell did so much time pass by without me noticing. How th hell did I hurt those people, how did I get along. I mean the past is the past you know, its like I was ever changing then and it was all relative to the influences and my level of awareness, so all I can do is better myself. I am so reluctant to. Ever the child who wants to stare at the clouds and let the world pass by. There are so many realities I turn a blind eye to.
I go to a community college now. And as yasi said she wanted to be with the proletariat, I am most definitely with the proletariat. I am with the dumb kids poor or rich, who just didn't make it. The people in my class mostly sound like that skater guy in the movie Clueless. Which was also of course also set in Beverly Hills (not too far from where I am living). I have never met so many people before who I could blatantly call stupid. I had so much hope for the human race you know, what with all these people I have to interact with to get along everyday. But no, my classes are easy, they are not uninspiring, but I feel quite elitist a lot of the time. I still have to do a lot of reading and what not, but the teachers expect a lot less of you. Like, its 10th grade all over again, its Leeban and Carl making stupid jokes. Less potty humor, but for example I'm taking this Sociology of Womens class (a reason to hear the "other side"; feminist perspectives and all) and the guys in the class are literally telling sexist jokes while the teacher is talking about the gravity of domestic abuse. I don't know...many more parallel universe moments than I am used to.
So I'm mostly writing this post because I've been very lazy and about 5 people are wondering what the hell happened to me. *so many fans of the me :)*
So yeah, I was in Europe... but due to certain emotional issues within the me, I am not stable enough to go back to Geneva, my parent's house in Belgium or even where I grew up in The Hague. I'm becoming more self aware every day, but have still a long way to go. Finding yourself isn't easy at all, especially when you've devised so many mechanisms to steer yourself away from the particularly scary stuff.
Well my friends, that is the lowdown of the sarahalexandra Dee. Many of you have written emails and asked questions. I will hopefully be more prompt about them now that I have written this. No promises though, I am not just busy with the superficial stuff, I''m busy also pushing myself towards and away from the gravity of living.
The End (until the next time I write of course)
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