Naomi Klein

Sarah opens her eyes to the world again;

"In a Sri Lanken zone, one worker was reported to be so terrified of losing her job after giving birth that she drowned her newborn baby in a toilet"
-No Logo

I don't know what to say or what to do. Even opening up Internet Explorer right now to write what horror I feel, seems wrong.

beyond tears

i want to cry and cry and cry.
no one here who isn't either fucked up or in zombie mode due to work.
I need a spirit free of sadness or routine to cradle me in their arms for just 10 mins. Its all I ask. Just to reinvigorate me and give me courage for the next couple of day.I need Ted so badly, I need to live life again, not trudge through this shit. And this shit makes sense when i can think. I can't think. Sleep would help too. I guess. how days get longer when you think about them more. how tedious beaurocracy tightens the clamp around the brain. how that flight home should relieve all but is only a slight release from this hell. I'm not happy here. I need to breathe. I need space. Quiet. When you lack sleep. The thing you need is sleep. If sound and people and life hinder this acquisition of sanity, the stress makes you sick and makes you want to cry. I don't like that. And there is so much i can and will do about it.

and they wonder why i'm going nuts

...HEEEYyy Jennaaaa can I borrow your "Will you hold my beer while I kiss your girlfriend" haaaat.....Suuure Maria has one tOooo....Hey MAriiaaaa can I borrow your "Will you hold my beer while I kiss your girlfriend" haaaat...NOOO i Don't hAAAVE that haaaaat ....*knock knock* Heyy Naaataliiieee can I borrow your "Will you hold my beer while I kiss your girlfriend" haaaat (etc)
Ohh Cute shoes! No nooo they aren't that nice. NO reaaally CUTE SHOES!! EEEK I GUESS!! hahahaa!
*SLAM DOOR* *RUN RUN STOMP STOMP* HEEY LAUREN CAN I BORROW SOME OF YOUR VODKAAAA. LAUUUUREEEN PLEEEASSE
GRAAADUATTIONNNN WOOOOO!!!
*SQUEAAAAALLL*
*RUN RUN STOMP STOPM* LAURAAA !!!....NOooo don't LOOK aT me YET!!!....DOn'T WORRY I'm NOT PRETTYY YET EITHER...NOOooo Don'T LOOKK AT ME YETT... WELL I'M GOING to GO GETT PRETTEEEEEE BYEEEE I LOOOOOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuu
*EEEEEK*
I don't kNOW IF I SHOULD PUT ON JEWELRYY....YOUU SHOULLDLDD.... YEAH BUT i DON'T kknoOWWW... OKkKKkk....
*SLAM DOOR* *SLAM DOOR*
I love tHIS SONG!!! ...YEAAA ITs SO DirTY that I love it

wind.

the light source ducking in and out of the clouds. waves of light pouring over the shivering foilage. trying hard to push against the push. Light now, so happy to be pushed, shaking but nervous trepidation, the green screaming in delight, exuding Life. Polyphonic delight screaming SUN!. the scream of thousands, thousands of men, thousands of leaves. basking. The rain was beautiful yesterday, I wanted another week of it. But wind is as exciting. Nervous rhythm the wind whistling away to the tune of the shouts. leaves barely attached but so strong, an intense but pleasurable struggle. The wind skipping a corner and through this room, i feel goosebumps. Goosebumps reminding me of Life. How does such ancient bark push through such youthful leaves? its rejuvenating. How do I know you are shining? the only indication a tiny square of nature and one large brick wall. Even the brick today is breathing out at me, instead of being the barrier it usually is.
Open the window. Step outside. walk among the branches, it doesn't matter where you step you always have a firm grasp on Life. Barefooted so its an endless textural experience. cushioned by the green but firm on the limbs. Fall backwards into strong arms, the softest touch describable. the nervous shakings brush slower and become perpetual kisses.
Someone out there is randomly picking the music very appropriately. Sometimes you keep your mind at a constant low buzz and everything around you swirls around you faster, and faster a quick breeze turning around you, on you, inside you and reaching till the very top where it dances with this hidden mind. The smile, tickled brain, sun, kisses, goosebumps, random precision thank a simple current of air. the wind.

Right before you called me for the first time. I think.

Moments in time but sometimes not in space. Where time stops and looks at you. The thoughts spilling out into a endless well never to be looked at again. Continually never stopping continually never stopping continually stopping. You know what I want and I want something normal but something that kicks my heart over the world but nothings gonna change what I have now because it will only change by itself and by the time its done that there will be too many people on this planet not caring maybe caring a little too much for my wellbeing then there was a silence. We liked the silence, but I don’t think they did because they shuffled about nervously and then rabbit jumped up from behind the moon never to be told to go back again and freely hugged the sunset which bathed it with warm glows and a big smile that could make even brainwashing TV shows jealous.
A warm fuzzy old click click click of vinyl records stumbling round and round made me curl in a ball on the duvet of endless comfort.

i am sad

the present is yet again waiting for something to start in the future. Yet this time things are in reach, so
a) the patience involved with getting them should be heightened but its lowered considerably
b) the things that could possibly get in the way of happiness are heightened.
The past is coming back in the present, the future as exciting as it will be is damn scary, and all this plus a little bit of procrastination makes Sarah a sad girl. Not angry or depressed or anything too extreme. Just a little sad. And its an acceptable human emotion. Just one Sarah isn't to familiar in dealing with.

The Relay for Life Gang. 

Popier than the Pope?

Who could possibly be popier than the pope. An ex nazi youth german cardinal apparently. Have you looked at his eyes lately? Yea, me neither, because their don't exist! They are but holes burnt out with a cigarette end into a face. I usually wouldn't really care about who exactly was the pope as it has never before really affected my life, but i came to my room after lunch and my roommate was watching the election on the news. I think it was quite timely that i was there for the live announcement of the pope 20 mins in between classes. NBC, very well timed, pat on your back. Conveniently enough my literature in bible class was next, though we did not relate of our experiences with the pope and institutionalised religions. Tear.
And through the whole mess of a monotone unroutinely routine, i miss ted. a lot. There is nothing worse than the slow installation of a 3 month long abyss. If i had normal feelings like the rest of the intelligent people out there, i would be reasonably balancing out my excess emotions with my rational and get it all evened out straight. Not ignore it until it bursts or burst till it must be ignored. But no, i am novice to feeling anything real and being aware of feeling anything real. Somewhere out there though, i'm doing it right, as this relationship (such a formal word for so much magic) is holding its head out high and proud above the crowd of relationship wannabees out there :)
At times very melancholic over some beautiful moments, other times buzzing with excitement (trepidation) for not only europe home but for a new home, found in this new entity.

meep

Found some TLC on my I-tunes (my current god when it comes to music). I had a sudden flash back to middle school dances. Listening to Unpretty, it occured to me that i never really felt unpretty, no matter how many times i was rejected at those school dances. I embittered myself towards the male sex a little but never to myself. I wonder why. What I did recall was how it was really important a week before the dance was coming up, to loose weight. As if we were going to loose anything in 1 week and as if it made a difference. We talked about fun superficial things like what we were going to wear and what make up we were going to apply 2 weeks in advance to prepare for feeling shiney the night of. We got ourselves all hyped up for the dance. I remember loving to dance. I still love to dance. I remember really wanting the slow dances to come up to see if i would dare to tell my friend to tell a friend to tell a friend to ask [boy's name] to dance with me. I wasn't rejected too much in 5th grade because my wrath towards boys hadn't developed yet. As the years in middle school accumulated, certain boys became more and more evil. And those were usually the ones I had a crush on (what do you know). I wasn't really picky back then, I must have had a crush on every second boy. And usually more than one at a time.
And heres me reading the Last Temptation of Christ. The priorities have evolved just a little. Haven't danced much lately though. I did not meet my boyfriend as a result of trying to loose weight either. Not entirely swayed by peer pressure yet not entirely independent, I'm on the constant search for a non existant middle ground. I still like to paint my fingernails though.

Peoples

So, think of all the people in your semi-close sphere. That person who you've had a few conversations with in the hallway, or that waiter you've exchanged a few quaint chatty lines with. Just the minor characters in your life. Life has it that you are thrown into a random situation, say a log cabin in the middle of the woods, with just them. You both ended up hiking in the woods, bumped into each other, one of you owned a cabin and decided to invite the other one in. Would they talk to you of their beliefs in life? Would you realise that no matter who the other person was, there would always be a universal soul of man that would permeate between the two of you so as to pull you down to confessing how similar you both really are?
I wonder if it is a cultural thing. This, opening yourself up to near strangers, thing. I just can't imagine two Ukrainian people inviting a bare acquaintance over to their log cabins. Even though i'm sure quite a lot of them own log cabins. I have no idea what this rant is about.
But in any case I was thinking about random minor characters in my life and wondered if I asked them those heart drenching questions right now whether they would show their real selves. Their 0 AD fig leaf, goats milk, olive oil selves. The side of them layered with red-brown fabric and ox hide sandals. I wonder. No we did not all inhabit ancient Isreal or whatever it was called back then, but you know what I mean. We have something of that world bubbling away inside of our clay bodies. I remember it. I'd have to remember it, otherwise why would it feel so familiar?
Sometimes even when we know the answers to our most beloved secrets, being honest isn't all that bad, it just opens a wider scope of beloved truthes to look forward to.