And then I feel like the world is going to fall away.
Sore eyes and sneezed up nose. I try not to enhale the bad Chinese
In the fridge, it is melting away into the side of the door, my back cripple
To simplify life past yoga techniques or anything sensible.
Listening to romantic portugese music. It doesn’t feel like the right kind of music
But we do not download here at Smith, therefore we have the one song our boyfriend
Has sent us.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Strange strange movie. I feel inspired to write
A little nothingness about life, because its meaning is so hidden yet so clear. I want to dye my hair a thousand and one colours to be as crazy and Kate Winslet. But must rememeber to be myself. Remember to be myself. I watch too many movies in this place. I eat too much bad food in this place. Slack off too much. Complain too much. Too much fucking estrogen. Too much to choke u in ur sleep so you die and then reincarnate into sushi to be eaten by more full college students who don’t need the food but eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat. I eat, look in the mirror, and I don’t really think its all too bad. I have no sickness, maybe I should develop a shade of a complex so as to motivate some healthy ingestion. HAhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..
Need
Live Testosterone sent my way. Need to have useful things in my life. Need to take up a passion. I play no piano, I hear music live, I want to cry, I want to play it, but I’m a fucking lazy bastard.
I love a boy who is not in the same country as me, I don’t know if it will work, I don’t know if it won’t, I just like how it is. But missing is hard at midnight, its too hard toooooo hard. I don’t even want to think about it, but I have to, to keep me sane. I need to find a solution to every problem, need to make sense out of life need to help myself to help others need to live life.
Oh god.
Are you there?
I (L) Huckabees. Pretty philosophical, lost the point of the movie midway, waaay to existentially uniform for me. I like every day events which become magical, not magic that becomes every day events…I think. I don’t mind making magic, but I’ll always know they were only every day events.
I think the boyfriend is gorgeous, in his quiet way he seems to have his life all deceivingly sorted. I really really want blue hair now. God why do I obsess over something I’m never going to do…
Am I Happy?
Waiting for something is good, but when u wait for something to come in 4 years time which you’re not sure is going to come, is it worth it? I want to think so. I want love to prevail in a beautifully epic way. I want to have love sweep me into a dream for the next 4 years, I want it all don’t i.
They say making love is a meeting of the infinities for the ultimate connection. They say making love is seeing nirvana for a split second. They say that it is becoming one. They say a lot of things. I just think making love is, well I’m not really sure, it’s a lot of things, but I suppose in 2 words, it’s a blinding transparency.
In a sentence it’s the universe shooting up your back, spinal cord, neck, brain, and nestling within everything right, but only glowing within if true love is felt.
The ultimate experience is only felt within then eyes and the spirit of your true “other”.
30.10.04
21.10.04
Comping UP
Lalalalallaa *poop* lalalalaa's 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY(wOoooOooOoo)
Who'd have thought i'd ever have gotten so far with the conditionals?!
(hee)
Sneak Peak of the bullshit i will think up of in a few days TIME!!! :
Love all of yous who have even read part of one article, u're my FAVOURITIE fans Eveurr
WIthout YOuuu i wouldn't have made it this far
20.10.04
Catchword of the life: "Poo"
Well, I thought I’d be too busy to write this. And I am, too busy that is. But I still manage to entertain my dear forced readers (teehee) to read this. Umm so yeah, I’m tired stressed and pissed at all the shit America is making me do. Yeah its all america’s fault. Blame the country, not my inability to remember and organize things properly :D. So then I woke up and realized it was a day and I had to live it.
And then I was like thinking about the mafia or something and I had this like thunderbolt memory of a dream I had last night. And I’m thinking shit why the hell did that just remind me of the dream so I’m thinking murder blackmail I don’t know what. But none of those key pictures in my head clung onto the memory of the dream to make me relive the dream. It was quite annoying. It happens a lot. I wonder why certain dreams are so hard to remember, like you will only remember a dream if you think about it the second you wake up.
Another thing, I was studying Italian like good little Belgian girls should, and I started chapter 5. Yeap it was the beginning of a fresh chapter. I started reading about all the things that one can drink at a cafè and then my eye came upon the magical word, ghiaccio. Ghiaccio. I stopped and smiled. This word MEANT that I had come to the epiphany of my learning Italian this semester. For those of you who know me, when all other sensical phrases failed, remember how I used to say, “Niente con ghiaccio”????? WELL NOW
I CAN SPELL IT TOO!!!
Totally the highlight of my day.
And then I was like thinking about the mafia or something and I had this like thunderbolt memory of a dream I had last night. And I’m thinking shit why the hell did that just remind me of the dream so I’m thinking murder blackmail I don’t know what. But none of those key pictures in my head clung onto the memory of the dream to make me relive the dream. It was quite annoying. It happens a lot. I wonder why certain dreams are so hard to remember, like you will only remember a dream if you think about it the second you wake up.
Another thing, I was studying Italian like good little Belgian girls should, and I started chapter 5. Yeap it was the beginning of a fresh chapter. I started reading about all the things that one can drink at a cafè and then my eye came upon the magical word, ghiaccio. Ghiaccio. I stopped and smiled. This word MEANT that I had come to the epiphany of my learning Italian this semester. For those of you who know me, when all other sensical phrases failed, remember how I used to say, “Niente con ghiaccio”????? WELL NOW
I CAN SPELL IT TOO!!!
Totally the highlight of my day.
13.10.04
Giggle Haaaaaa Choke
12/10
I wanna jump out the window right now, bounce off the sidewalk and jump spin and twirl and skip and feel the wind rushing through my clothes and hair and scream and look at hte sky and dream but i don't wanna work. No sir, it involves reading and thinking and DOING stuff. holidays are evil they make u wanna not work and they u don't and then u diiiiiiiie.
10/10
Two days ago i was in Boston. it was fun. We were at Harvard Square. Scoping all the hot people. It was so clear who was was from Harvard, they like intentionally wearing suits and disgustingly designer clothes. There was a drunken man in Harvard Square. he joined into a photograph and talked about a teddybear he had recently found in the trash. He pulled out a postcard with a cat about to pounce on a spider and said " this is from my girlfriend". I asked him whether his girlfriend was the cat or the spider, he said nono and turned it around and showed us the writing. He then talk about Mexico and the population in it, had a mini seizure, told us he was having a mini seizure. We walked away. Took the subway, it had been a while. ON the walls there were advertisements when the subway went past and they were like screenshots of a publicity so it looked like they were moving as u rode past. Pretty amazing.
Then we were heading for China town but never got there, laughed at allt he crazy expensive things people were trying to sell to us and went back to the bus. There we had fun freezing in the wind taking über cool fotos of each other freezing funnily in the wind.
By then I was deliriously tired and when back on the bus nearly passed out. Decided to listen to music.
While I'm far away from you my baby
Whisper a little prayer for me my baby
Because it's hard for me my baby
And the darkest hour is just before dawn
And then I watched the headlights of the opposite side of the highway rush into the corner of my eye. Thought of all the times I didn’t pray for people, and all the times I was up at dawn. I wish I could wake up before dawn to agree or not that that was the hardest time of the day when separated from all those you love. Supposidly thought of you as I tried not to think of the gerbil axeing its way through my temples.
Baby I love you
You know I need you
Gotta have you
Can't be without you
[R. Kelly]
It's like downtown New York
In the middle of traffic jam
All I really want you to know is who I am
Find me, low key, in the back of club
roll with some fine females rollin' on dubs
You n me big pimpin' on a shoppin' spree in LA
Papratzi's and critics don't give a damn what they say
I then had an epiphany as to why hip hop culture was so popular. At this time of the night when I was about to pass out, it was the easiest thing for my brain to swallow. I didn’t care what they were saying, it sounded nice their beats were easy to swallow. No deep life crisis, no bullshitting extrordinaire. People who had enough shit to deal with every day or night, didn’t want to fuck around with what “alternative” music has to offer to rich/middle class females. Just simply pouring numbing honey into the brain.
Children- Robert Miles
Yes this is the theme song to X-files. But placed out of context in my half dreamy asleep state of mind, and the lights flashing around my head, it was becoming a pretty trippy song. It’s the perfect nighttime highway song. Everything that happens in the song happens then. The lamp posts, the nothingness of car after car after car, of the buses rhythmic forward rolling, I guess the song hypes life up, but it fits.
I got to bed and read a very sexually heightened sequal to Pride and Prejudice. Interesting none the less. Now have to face a nice dose of actual work since having done shit for the past 4 days :D :) :P ;) :o :) :P :D :D :P :P :D :) ;P :<> smileys suck; ambiguous fucks that deserve to be eaten by headless chikons.
I wanna jump out the window right now, bounce off the sidewalk and jump spin and twirl and skip and feel the wind rushing through my clothes and hair and scream and look at hte sky and dream but i don't wanna work. No sir, it involves reading and thinking and DOING stuff. holidays are evil they make u wanna not work and they u don't and then u diiiiiiiie.
10/10
Two days ago i was in Boston. it was fun. We were at Harvard Square. Scoping all the hot people. It was so clear who was was from Harvard, they like intentionally wearing suits and disgustingly designer clothes. There was a drunken man in Harvard Square. he joined into a photograph and talked about a teddybear he had recently found in the trash. He pulled out a postcard with a cat about to pounce on a spider and said " this is from my girlfriend". I asked him whether his girlfriend was the cat or the spider, he said nono and turned it around and showed us the writing. He then talk about Mexico and the population in it, had a mini seizure, told us he was having a mini seizure. We walked away. Took the subway, it had been a while. ON the walls there were advertisements when the subway went past and they were like screenshots of a publicity so it looked like they were moving as u rode past. Pretty amazing.
Then we were heading for China town but never got there, laughed at allt he crazy expensive things people were trying to sell to us and went back to the bus. There we had fun freezing in the wind taking über cool fotos of each other freezing funnily in the wind.
By then I was deliriously tired and when back on the bus nearly passed out. Decided to listen to music.
While I'm far away from you my baby
Whisper a little prayer for me my baby
Because it's hard for me my baby
And the darkest hour is just before dawn
And then I watched the headlights of the opposite side of the highway rush into the corner of my eye. Thought of all the times I didn’t pray for people, and all the times I was up at dawn. I wish I could wake up before dawn to agree or not that that was the hardest time of the day when separated from all those you love. Supposidly thought of you as I tried not to think of the gerbil axeing its way through my temples.
Baby I love you
You know I need you
Gotta have you
Can't be without you
[R. Kelly]
It's like downtown New York
In the middle of traffic jam
All I really want you to know is who I am
Find me, low key, in the back of club
roll with some fine females rollin' on dubs
You n me big pimpin' on a shoppin' spree in LA
Papratzi's and critics don't give a damn what they say
I then had an epiphany as to why hip hop culture was so popular. At this time of the night when I was about to pass out, it was the easiest thing for my brain to swallow. I didn’t care what they were saying, it sounded nice their beats were easy to swallow. No deep life crisis, no bullshitting extrordinaire. People who had enough shit to deal with every day or night, didn’t want to fuck around with what “alternative” music has to offer to rich/middle class females. Just simply pouring numbing honey into the brain.
Children- Robert Miles
Yes this is the theme song to X-files. But placed out of context in my half dreamy asleep state of mind, and the lights flashing around my head, it was becoming a pretty trippy song. It’s the perfect nighttime highway song. Everything that happens in the song happens then. The lamp posts, the nothingness of car after car after car, of the buses rhythmic forward rolling, I guess the song hypes life up, but it fits.
I got to bed and read a very sexually heightened sequal to Pride and Prejudice. Interesting none the less. Now have to face a nice dose of actual work since having done shit for the past 4 days :D :) :P ;) :o :) :P :D :D :P :P :D :) ;P :<> smileys suck; ambiguous fucks that deserve to be eaten by headless chikons.
9.10.04
Its Been a While
Sorry dear compassionately frequent readers, lol all two of you, for not having written recently. Time takes too much time as they say.
Now that my room mate has gone for autumn break, i find myself talking to myself. Saying all those nitty gritty things that i wasn't allowed to say when i was in the room with someone else. Its amazing how quiet it really gets when you're on your own. When i was alone in the apartment i needed to compulsively have the TV on, the radio on in the kitchen, music on my computer and i needed to have a full blown conversation either with myself, my cat or mr spatula.
The other day, Thursday i will call it, i was walking into the little town of Northampton to return a dvd. Only like 2 dollars here for a movie, its quite blissful and i end up renting a lot of them. Anyways so i decide not to take my discman and am confronted with the harshness of the REAL WORLD. So i'm walking down the path outside of Smith campus, past the grocers and the pharmacy and its quite dark. My mind is allowed to wander but at the expense at which my mind is essentially open to the world because i don't have music faking i can't hear or see anything. I walk up the hill past this small church, some spanish one and then get onto the main street. Its already 7 o'clock, at this time on a normal day in Geneva the wind would be howling through Rive and nothing would be there. Maybe a tram or two but nothing else would dare be there. When i started to realise how i'd grown up with quietness, essentially when it was dark, the buzz of a town awake with music and people and SUVs started to disconcert me. I felt like i was in Disneyland all of a sudden. Northampton you see, nothing goes wrong, small little shops of hippy nothingness, kids who've gone all rebelious on hippyland dressed as hardcore goths sit on the side of the road, everyone has their place, but everyone is outside and doing stuff. Nothing wrong really but it just doesn't feel right. I start to feel claustrophic with all the lights and the sounds filling the usually quiet darkness. I walk very quickliy to the movie rental place and drop my dvd off wispering thank you and get back to my room as quickly possible. In a world of no cruelty, something bothersome has to be sought after?
Now that my room mate has gone for autumn break, i find myself talking to myself. Saying all those nitty gritty things that i wasn't allowed to say when i was in the room with someone else. Its amazing how quiet it really gets when you're on your own. When i was alone in the apartment i needed to compulsively have the TV on, the radio on in the kitchen, music on my computer and i needed to have a full blown conversation either with myself, my cat or mr spatula.
The other day, Thursday i will call it, i was walking into the little town of Northampton to return a dvd. Only like 2 dollars here for a movie, its quite blissful and i end up renting a lot of them. Anyways so i decide not to take my discman and am confronted with the harshness of the REAL WORLD. So i'm walking down the path outside of Smith campus, past the grocers and the pharmacy and its quite dark. My mind is allowed to wander but at the expense at which my mind is essentially open to the world because i don't have music faking i can't hear or see anything. I walk up the hill past this small church, some spanish one and then get onto the main street. Its already 7 o'clock, at this time on a normal day in Geneva the wind would be howling through Rive and nothing would be there. Maybe a tram or two but nothing else would dare be there. When i started to realise how i'd grown up with quietness, essentially when it was dark, the buzz of a town awake with music and people and SUVs started to disconcert me. I felt like i was in Disneyland all of a sudden. Northampton you see, nothing goes wrong, small little shops of hippy nothingness, kids who've gone all rebelious on hippyland dressed as hardcore goths sit on the side of the road, everyone has their place, but everyone is outside and doing stuff. Nothing wrong really but it just doesn't feel right. I start to feel claustrophic with all the lights and the sounds filling the usually quiet darkness. I walk very quickliy to the movie rental place and drop my dvd off wispering thank you and get back to my room as quickly possible. In a world of no cruelty, something bothersome has to be sought after?
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