10.11.05
Pennultimate of hard
Sometimes its nice to write a bit of nothing.
Big ball of glue stuck in my throat.
its sticky glue.
Like the kind you can't bite into.
Need a moment of nothing.
A moment of the old blablabla.
I don't enjoy it as much as I used to.
Live got real serious all of a sudden :/
why the :/
Well, its gotten relay relay hard.
Hard is soo much fun. Its a big challenge.
Yes.But this hard. if you don't try right now. Fuck you up.
Fuck your life up.
If i don't succeed now, its the end of anything good, of what I really want out of this life.
And people always say this. And people always then say that they mean it.
This time my friends.
Is the pennultimate, I really mean this.
Big ball of glue stuck in my throat.
its sticky glue.
Like the kind you can't bite into.
Need a moment of nothing.
A moment of the old blablabla.
I don't enjoy it as much as I used to.
Live got real serious all of a sudden :/
why the :/
Well, its gotten relay relay hard.
Hard is soo much fun. Its a big challenge.
Yes.But this hard. if you don't try right now. Fuck you up.
Fuck your life up.
If i don't succeed now, its the end of anything good, of what I really want out of this life.
And people always say this. And people always then say that they mean it.
This time my friends.
Is the pennultimate, I really mean this.
31.10.05
Missen
Ik mis je,
Ik mis je heel erg.
Ik mis je.
Ik mis je.
Mis je.
Ik mihihis je.
Ik MIS je.
IK MIS JE.
M. i. s. s. e. n.
Verschrikkelijk missen.
Missen Godverdomme.
Missen Missen Missen Missen MISSEN MISSEN MISSEN MISSEN MISSE MISSE MISSEMISSEMISSE MISSEEEEEEEEEEEEEN
M I I I I I I SSSEEEEEE !!!!!!
MISSEEEEN !!!
Missen !
Zo erg missen.
Missen,
Ik mis je.
ik mis je
missen
From the old box,
To my cousin.
djr
Ik mis je heel erg.
Ik mis je.
Ik mis je.
Mis je.
Ik mihihis je.
Ik MIS je.
IK MIS JE.
M. i. s. s. e. n.
Verschrikkelijk missen.
Missen Godverdomme.
Missen Missen Missen Missen MISSEN MISSEN MISSEN MISSEN MISSE MISSE MISSEMISSEMISSE MISSEEEEEEEEEEEEEN
M I I I I I I SSSEEEEEE !!!!!!
MISSEEEEN !!!
Missen !
Zo erg missen.
Missen,
Ik mis je.
ik mis je
missen
From the old box,
To my cousin.
djr
29.10.05
Nothings gonna change my world
A lot is, but this song is so soothing right now.
I can't think about all the bad things all the time.
Its too much.
I'm not Jesus Christ.
Jesus.
I mean where did that notion even come from, he didn't even fucking exist.
I like stories and myths and antique jerusalem but who the fuck can spend their whole life thinking about all the suffering in the whole world.
Its inhuman.
Humane.
I like to think about these things, because its catharctic.
But thinking about having to think about it every day is tough.
It sucks it out of me
and you force me to do it.
thats what it feels like
I like to feel sad.
I like attention
I like anger
I like all of it
because thats how we are.
unless we're Buddha.
I want to go to Barcelona. Live this fantasy life.
An apartment overlooking the main street. close to the sea, being able to hear the sea.
oh the colors of Barcelona, the seppia painted landscapes. the people dripping natural style.
You can't forbid me from going.
Demons within me, bubbling away, don't think about us.
Just a skeleton rocking on a chair with some flesh thrown upon it. Skinny can be so ugly sometimes. Thats what the mother said in full fury. Look at yourself in the mirror! You're so ugly now. I felt ugly. Inside. Only because there was so much going on in there. Such an insane battle.
You always get what you want.
Subconsciously or Consciously.
Eitherway, you always fight for what it is you really want.
That sometimes really sucks, but then it also tells you why you act certain ways.
Its like a math problem.
working backwards.
I remember writing here when depressed after nights of drinking out in Geneva. God my life felt so pointless then. And i was too much in denial to think about it everyday. I don't think I would have done anything drastic abotu it, but it would have been nice to live in reality.
I mean seriously, whats the point of deluding yourself in the only time on earth that you have?
Such a holistic point of view all of a sudden eh Alexandra.
Adia reminds me of a really nice friend I had as a kid called Aida. She was so nice. And funny. I didn't speak spanish and she didn't speak english at first. We had so much fun.
Memories.
I want to go down memory lane.
I wonder where all my aupairs are they are probably so old by now, maybe even in their 30s!
I miss Thonex. It had a little garden per person and then it didn't close at the end but just opened out into a big field with a playground. And the slide after it rained you could go down on a plastic bag. It was so dangerous. And you could see the mountains. And I had a birthday party there, olympic games. And the clown that came all the time. Right now thinking of him he feels creepy. Clowns are creepy sometimes.
No one can stop me from memories. The cleaning lady who put massive pieces of garlic in the meatballs.
Hmm the Shins, so soft to the brain.
Its the first CD i was hooked on right after I met you. Overwhelmed by how much I cared for you and lack of sleep I sat in the library on the couch facing the window and just smiled and thought abotu it all while listening to the Shins. Snow melting and sun shining, it fit the music. Sounds like icicles dripping away all the time.
Back to memory mode. Running up the stairs, spirally stairs. Going to the attic, I can't remember it anymore. THe guest room next to mine across from me parents with the bathroom of two sinks. Mixing up earlier holland house with this one. The mind plays tricks. I'm not very good at thinking things in my head, sometimes I just have to write them out. The dog coming in and my cat scratching it's eye out.
The shins are just Northampton. I miss that life. I'm sad we couldn't have that perfect life there. It hurts like fuck all the time. I just don't notice it much mostly. heh.
The kitchen so new. Staying in that gross hotel before then. I really wanted to move. Moving was exciting. Heh mommy my best friend moved away, why can't we move? I couldn't swallow how much it was going to hurt leaving a place i'd lived in a whole 6 years of my life.
Street partys in Holland. Those books witht he pieces or letters that you had to fit with the stories. The english dutch dictionary for kids with all the pictures that i tried to get my aupairs interested in. No one gives a shit about dutch or holland. Its such a beautiful place. I want Ted to see it through my eyes. See the language as beautiful. Can't always ask for the impossible. CAn't force people to like things. He is happy when he sees how happy these things make me. I know him :)
Thonex, taking the bus from and to school every morning. Playing with the lizards on the wall. Using chalk infront of the drive way. Being the second to last at the very end of the housing complex. No walls to the complex. The rasberry bush. The Aupair who was a semi professional basket ball played. The constant cimetaries next to us. the wild field that had this abandoned hut in it that got bulldozed over to make a massive apartment complex with shopping. Riding the bike. Going to Molino. Going on top of the saleve. aupairs asking for help with romance. saying thank you for my naive responces to things. sure he'll call you back.going to belgium every summer. the amazing connection with my cousin Tom. how we drifted apart for a while in our early teens. me witht he excessive amounts of boyfriends and him with a touch too much angst. god i was insenstive. I'm quite disgusted with myself at times. Giggling till the wee hours in Montegrotto. Playing games underwater in the swimming pool. AquaGym. Early early swimming lessons from hell. hey I can swim now. Old italian people. How i didn't want to go to Montegrotto the last two years, but how my mom kept on swaying me into it. How i didn't the last year because I was standing my ground. or something. Really stupid valentines 2 years ago. how depressing i feel thinking about that. how i realise it doesn't matter because its an unalterable moment in the past.
Sitting there for hours watching Ieva flirt with Lorin and it just being a big game of nothingness. How i was amused and how I could have been doing a lot better things with my time instead of getting drunk, cry, be hugged by mentally slow man, and sit on my bed writing about it all on my blog as if my life had some huge revelation.
Hey I have more authority over my life now, but no need to shame what it was before. Appreciate it for what it was. Whatever that means.
Mexican birthday with piniata. delicious mexican food my mom made. The pantry with lots of food. the kitchen with the tiles that ate the food. the heater i spent countless hours on. burning my butt on the heater because it was too hot. the smell of the tv room. i will never be able to smell that again. god damnit that makes me really sad. I mean i don't want to go back tot hat time, i just want to be able to smell it one last time. I miss it so much. I miss my house, my home. Lasne isn't my home. my parents are a home, but not the hosue there. Its nice and big like the last one, but its sole purpose is for my parents to make it a home of their own. I went back to the garden, and house, but its not the same, its so dollhousy with Mme Long.
Doing math problems in my study room with my dad, being really bratty about it. Not really getting it half of the time but be smart enough tot ake the class and just pass. My room, my wonderfully big cosy room. it had two diagonal sides. My closets. and my big round table. the little one on the right with all the trinkets. and my bookshelf with books that i would just look at the pictures before going to sleep. I didn't read the great classic novels. I would have gotten into them ( some of them), but instead i chose to do 12 yr old puzzel things afte rmy exhausting evening of being online for 5 hours. Being woken up by my mom in the morning, her getting pissed off I wasn't waking up. Fresh squozed juice and the smell of fresh bread in the morning. my dad not being there a lot of the time. my dad sometimes waking up and getting a kiss from him in his nightrobe was so nice.listening to the radio and looking at the sunrise while driving to school. the traffic jams when we left too close to 8 o'clock.
The smell of your beard.
Closing my eyes and going to sleep for this night.
I can't think about all the bad things all the time.
Its too much.
I'm not Jesus Christ.
Jesus.
I mean where did that notion even come from, he didn't even fucking exist.
I like stories and myths and antique jerusalem but who the fuck can spend their whole life thinking about all the suffering in the whole world.
Its inhuman.
Humane.
I like to think about these things, because its catharctic.
But thinking about having to think about it every day is tough.
It sucks it out of me
and you force me to do it.
thats what it feels like
I like to feel sad.
I like attention
I like anger
I like all of it
because thats how we are.
unless we're Buddha.
I want to go to Barcelona. Live this fantasy life.
An apartment overlooking the main street. close to the sea, being able to hear the sea.
oh the colors of Barcelona, the seppia painted landscapes. the people dripping natural style.
You can't forbid me from going.
Demons within me, bubbling away, don't think about us.
Just a skeleton rocking on a chair with some flesh thrown upon it. Skinny can be so ugly sometimes. Thats what the mother said in full fury. Look at yourself in the mirror! You're so ugly now. I felt ugly. Inside. Only because there was so much going on in there. Such an insane battle.
You always get what you want.
Subconsciously or Consciously.
Eitherway, you always fight for what it is you really want.
That sometimes really sucks, but then it also tells you why you act certain ways.
Its like a math problem.
working backwards.
I remember writing here when depressed after nights of drinking out in Geneva. God my life felt so pointless then. And i was too much in denial to think about it everyday. I don't think I would have done anything drastic abotu it, but it would have been nice to live in reality.
I mean seriously, whats the point of deluding yourself in the only time on earth that you have?
Such a holistic point of view all of a sudden eh Alexandra.
Adia reminds me of a really nice friend I had as a kid called Aida. She was so nice. And funny. I didn't speak spanish and she didn't speak english at first. We had so much fun.
Memories.
I want to go down memory lane.
I wonder where all my aupairs are they are probably so old by now, maybe even in their 30s!
I miss Thonex. It had a little garden per person and then it didn't close at the end but just opened out into a big field with a playground. And the slide after it rained you could go down on a plastic bag. It was so dangerous. And you could see the mountains. And I had a birthday party there, olympic games. And the clown that came all the time. Right now thinking of him he feels creepy. Clowns are creepy sometimes.
No one can stop me from memories. The cleaning lady who put massive pieces of garlic in the meatballs.
Hmm the Shins, so soft to the brain.
Its the first CD i was hooked on right after I met you. Overwhelmed by how much I cared for you and lack of sleep I sat in the library on the couch facing the window and just smiled and thought abotu it all while listening to the Shins. Snow melting and sun shining, it fit the music. Sounds like icicles dripping away all the time.
Back to memory mode. Running up the stairs, spirally stairs. Going to the attic, I can't remember it anymore. THe guest room next to mine across from me parents with the bathroom of two sinks. Mixing up earlier holland house with this one. The mind plays tricks. I'm not very good at thinking things in my head, sometimes I just have to write them out. The dog coming in and my cat scratching it's eye out.
The shins are just Northampton. I miss that life. I'm sad we couldn't have that perfect life there. It hurts like fuck all the time. I just don't notice it much mostly. heh.
The kitchen so new. Staying in that gross hotel before then. I really wanted to move. Moving was exciting. Heh mommy my best friend moved away, why can't we move? I couldn't swallow how much it was going to hurt leaving a place i'd lived in a whole 6 years of my life.
Street partys in Holland. Those books witht he pieces or letters that you had to fit with the stories. The english dutch dictionary for kids with all the pictures that i tried to get my aupairs interested in. No one gives a shit about dutch or holland. Its such a beautiful place. I want Ted to see it through my eyes. See the language as beautiful. Can't always ask for the impossible. CAn't force people to like things. He is happy when he sees how happy these things make me. I know him :)
Thonex, taking the bus from and to school every morning. Playing with the lizards on the wall. Using chalk infront of the drive way. Being the second to last at the very end of the housing complex. No walls to the complex. The rasberry bush. The Aupair who was a semi professional basket ball played. The constant cimetaries next to us. the wild field that had this abandoned hut in it that got bulldozed over to make a massive apartment complex with shopping. Riding the bike. Going to Molino. Going on top of the saleve. aupairs asking for help with romance. saying thank you for my naive responces to things. sure he'll call you back.going to belgium every summer. the amazing connection with my cousin Tom. how we drifted apart for a while in our early teens. me witht he excessive amounts of boyfriends and him with a touch too much angst. god i was insenstive. I'm quite disgusted with myself at times. Giggling till the wee hours in Montegrotto. Playing games underwater in the swimming pool. AquaGym. Early early swimming lessons from hell. hey I can swim now. Old italian people. How i didn't want to go to Montegrotto the last two years, but how my mom kept on swaying me into it. How i didn't the last year because I was standing my ground. or something. Really stupid valentines 2 years ago. how depressing i feel thinking about that. how i realise it doesn't matter because its an unalterable moment in the past.
Sitting there for hours watching Ieva flirt with Lorin and it just being a big game of nothingness. How i was amused and how I could have been doing a lot better things with my time instead of getting drunk, cry, be hugged by mentally slow man, and sit on my bed writing about it all on my blog as if my life had some huge revelation.
Hey I have more authority over my life now, but no need to shame what it was before. Appreciate it for what it was. Whatever that means.
Mexican birthday with piniata. delicious mexican food my mom made. The pantry with lots of food. the kitchen with the tiles that ate the food. the heater i spent countless hours on. burning my butt on the heater because it was too hot. the smell of the tv room. i will never be able to smell that again. god damnit that makes me really sad. I mean i don't want to go back tot hat time, i just want to be able to smell it one last time. I miss it so much. I miss my house, my home. Lasne isn't my home. my parents are a home, but not the hosue there. Its nice and big like the last one, but its sole purpose is for my parents to make it a home of their own. I went back to the garden, and house, but its not the same, its so dollhousy with Mme Long.
Doing math problems in my study room with my dad, being really bratty about it. Not really getting it half of the time but be smart enough tot ake the class and just pass. My room, my wonderfully big cosy room. it had two diagonal sides. My closets. and my big round table. the little one on the right with all the trinkets. and my bookshelf with books that i would just look at the pictures before going to sleep. I didn't read the great classic novels. I would have gotten into them ( some of them), but instead i chose to do 12 yr old puzzel things afte rmy exhausting evening of being online for 5 hours. Being woken up by my mom in the morning, her getting pissed off I wasn't waking up. Fresh squozed juice and the smell of fresh bread in the morning. my dad not being there a lot of the time. my dad sometimes waking up and getting a kiss from him in his nightrobe was so nice.listening to the radio and looking at the sunrise while driving to school. the traffic jams when we left too close to 8 o'clock.
The smell of your beard.
Closing my eyes and going to sleep for this night.
12.10.05
You don't get to feel good
As a kid, people went away in my life. a lot.
so what.
so a lot right now. I don't know how to rationally miss someone. You say, but I've seen you miss people all the time. Yes but not with the loving and emotion that I've always wanted to miss someone. I want to miss people I want to think oh what could i send them, oh when can I call them next. I love more people than I admit to. Yes love, love is a big word. People you are close to you tend to love. I can't accept that idea sometimes. Love is for family and boyfriends. Even then its hard to accept, that this word that so many times shunned within pop culture and society is what i feel for quite a few people.
I don't like feeling happy. Or so it seems. Everytime something is important to someone else there flies a sarcastic comment or complete indifference. I can feign happiness but it isn't let out. I'm not an evil bitch. I just have a limit. I hate this limit and I am determined to change it.
I have a limit on happiness. Yeah, not superficial "oh this dress is so pretty" happiness. real, this moment is important, "i'm in love with this moment please let me bask in this happiness for a long long time" happiness. I so strongly care for this person, this person makes me so fucking happy that I will throw my emotions in, and when something sad happens i will feel sad. I will voluntarily bear myself for the world. Because if I don't then whats the fucking point in life?
I cry and I cry, because of the possibility of something good being able to come out of life. Tears of happiness. Tears of bitterness towards the times in the past I've robbed them from people. No one out there has any idea what i'm talking about. But I do, so thats okay, enough for me.
No one around me feels intensly, no one around me thinks intensly. I'm not talking about a math problem. I'm talking about a personal emotional life problem. Not saving the children in Africa, I'm talking about saving yourself from waking up one morning and feeling empty or disgusted. From going on auto pilot and saying, why the hell did i do these things; this doesn't look a bit like me. This looks like my parents, my friends, images. Who am I, the eternal question. Mid-teen thought holy shit i don't want to turn 20 and ask myself these stupid philosophical questions. I know who I am, I'm me! what kind of a stupid concept.
but really, who am I?
Heh, I know. I actually know who I am. I'm not her at this moment though, because a lot of things I do right now do not follow with what I really want. They follow with who I used to be, the little girl thinking her parents relationship was the ideal one, the silly teenager who thought everything was good but how really she didn't take control of anything. And now the 19yr old, realising she has full control of everything she touches, she could loose a lot in life, she could win even more at life, she can make herself happy, she controls every single step that she makes as she moves forwards.
Scary
heh, but what isn't that is truely this exhilaratingly important?
I'm living where I want to be living
I'm with the people I want to be
I'm trying to gain a fairer understanding with my past and the people of my past
I'm trying to gain stability within love
I'm trying to work at what is good for me
I'm trying to live in the real world
I'm not tryying anything, i'm quite lazy about myself, thinking that I have a life to fall back onto. But I don't I"m never going to change this life and I'm NOT MAKING IT GOOD ENOUGH!
That last one, believe it or not folks, is pretty damn hard (living in the real world). Who took care of EVERYTHING before now? my parents. Who really really takes care of everything now? Ted. Who is starting to wake up and smell the paranoia and throw herself into it? My cat. No heh it is actually me this time! Wooooooo
responsibility, they told us about that in 8th grade about 9th grade. but that was easy!
Now its like outside of the ecolint bubble.
I want things to be good. Yet I'm tempted to make them bad. I didn't think this was me, but it actually is. I feel attacked sometimes. I am the culprit a lot of times. I love happy, it makes me cry because I've had 2 weeks of it. 2 weeks back in March, was the only time in my life when I was truely HAPPY. Yes HAPPY
I cry more.
Ted sings out loud. I love the 30% of false notes. Thats what made me fall in love with him.
Not the kind they sing about in songs or talk about in Disney movies. I'm too cynical for some of that and rob it from people who have felt it or say they have. Its not even the ideal stuff, its just whats important to people. I don't like it when people are overly happy about something. They don't deserve it because I don't get to have it. I have a limit. Can you fucking believe it? Sarah has a limit. Alexandra shouldn't. Why does Sarah have a limit? Because bad things, pretty bad things happened as a kid and they weren't allowed to be felt through, they were just blinded by more happy things. So happy things was all she knew. Seriously, ask me any day how was your childhood/adolescence and I'll be like nothing went wrong, absolutely nothing went wrong. Which is wrong too. Things were bad, i just wasn't given an outlet to feel about them. Yes can you imagine I'm asking for a place to feel sad. ASking to feel sad.
An emotion which must be felt sometimes.
its all the ying yang. you can't have the white part without the little black dot.
Feeling sad feels good too, it feels honest. Everything honest feels very very good.
I'm not going to ruin this weekend.
I'm going ot be shit scared. BUt i'm not killing it.
It can't die. It could be so good.
so what.
so a lot right now. I don't know how to rationally miss someone. You say, but I've seen you miss people all the time. Yes but not with the loving and emotion that I've always wanted to miss someone. I want to miss people I want to think oh what could i send them, oh when can I call them next. I love more people than I admit to. Yes love, love is a big word. People you are close to you tend to love. I can't accept that idea sometimes. Love is for family and boyfriends. Even then its hard to accept, that this word that so many times shunned within pop culture and society is what i feel for quite a few people.
I don't like feeling happy. Or so it seems. Everytime something is important to someone else there flies a sarcastic comment or complete indifference. I can feign happiness but it isn't let out. I'm not an evil bitch. I just have a limit. I hate this limit and I am determined to change it.
I have a limit on happiness. Yeah, not superficial "oh this dress is so pretty" happiness. real, this moment is important, "i'm in love with this moment please let me bask in this happiness for a long long time" happiness. I so strongly care for this person, this person makes me so fucking happy that I will throw my emotions in, and when something sad happens i will feel sad. I will voluntarily bear myself for the world. Because if I don't then whats the fucking point in life?
I cry and I cry, because of the possibility of something good being able to come out of life. Tears of happiness. Tears of bitterness towards the times in the past I've robbed them from people. No one out there has any idea what i'm talking about. But I do, so thats okay, enough for me.
No one around me feels intensly, no one around me thinks intensly. I'm not talking about a math problem. I'm talking about a personal emotional life problem. Not saving the children in Africa, I'm talking about saving yourself from waking up one morning and feeling empty or disgusted. From going on auto pilot and saying, why the hell did i do these things; this doesn't look a bit like me. This looks like my parents, my friends, images. Who am I, the eternal question. Mid-teen thought holy shit i don't want to turn 20 and ask myself these stupid philosophical questions. I know who I am, I'm me! what kind of a stupid concept.
but really, who am I?
Heh, I know. I actually know who I am. I'm not her at this moment though, because a lot of things I do right now do not follow with what I really want. They follow with who I used to be, the little girl thinking her parents relationship was the ideal one, the silly teenager who thought everything was good but how really she didn't take control of anything. And now the 19yr old, realising she has full control of everything she touches, she could loose a lot in life, she could win even more at life, she can make herself happy, she controls every single step that she makes as she moves forwards.
Scary
heh, but what isn't that is truely this exhilaratingly important?
I'm living where I want to be living
I'm with the people I want to be
I'm trying to gain a fairer understanding with my past and the people of my past
I'm trying to gain stability within love
I'm trying to work at what is good for me
I'm trying to live in the real world
I'm not tryying anything, i'm quite lazy about myself, thinking that I have a life to fall back onto. But I don't I"m never going to change this life and I'm NOT MAKING IT GOOD ENOUGH!
That last one, believe it or not folks, is pretty damn hard (living in the real world). Who took care of EVERYTHING before now? my parents. Who really really takes care of everything now? Ted. Who is starting to wake up and smell the paranoia and throw herself into it? My cat. No heh it is actually me this time! Wooooooo
responsibility, they told us about that in 8th grade about 9th grade. but that was easy!
Now its like outside of the ecolint bubble.
I want things to be good. Yet I'm tempted to make them bad. I didn't think this was me, but it actually is. I feel attacked sometimes. I am the culprit a lot of times. I love happy, it makes me cry because I've had 2 weeks of it. 2 weeks back in March, was the only time in my life when I was truely HAPPY. Yes HAPPY
I cry more.
Ted sings out loud. I love the 30% of false notes. Thats what made me fall in love with him.
Not the kind they sing about in songs or talk about in Disney movies. I'm too cynical for some of that and rob it from people who have felt it or say they have. Its not even the ideal stuff, its just whats important to people. I don't like it when people are overly happy about something. They don't deserve it because I don't get to have it. I have a limit. Can you fucking believe it? Sarah has a limit. Alexandra shouldn't. Why does Sarah have a limit? Because bad things, pretty bad things happened as a kid and they weren't allowed to be felt through, they were just blinded by more happy things. So happy things was all she knew. Seriously, ask me any day how was your childhood/adolescence and I'll be like nothing went wrong, absolutely nothing went wrong. Which is wrong too. Things were bad, i just wasn't given an outlet to feel about them. Yes can you imagine I'm asking for a place to feel sad. ASking to feel sad.
An emotion which must be felt sometimes.
its all the ying yang. you can't have the white part without the little black dot.
Feeling sad feels good too, it feels honest. Everything honest feels very very good.
I'm not going to ruin this weekend.
I'm going ot be shit scared. BUt i'm not killing it.
It can't die. It could be so good.
6.9.05
Omnipotence
Hi,
I'm still here.
Its been a while, and where have I been?
Oh all over, a little bit within myself, quite a bit without myself. To use the overused metaphor, its been a rollercoaster ride, and its not about to stop. Yay for life! I'm serious, its been quite drab until now, and it feels like i'm finally living it. "Growing up". Who thought that would ever happen? Well, it hasn't really happened yet but i feel it creeping up on me. I'm more ready for it than I was a year ago i'm sure about that.
I've learnt so much in the past 4 monthes its wonderful. Not facts or information, but reality and self awareness. Sounds a bit boring like that, but without reality what have I got? Oh, just my life for the past 19 years i suppose :) I've learnt about love, and how i'm having a hard time exercising it. Love is everywhere and we take it for granted. Now that I treasure it within this big heart of mine, I have no clue what to do with it. Its going to take a few more bold leaps of faith and a true grasp on life to truely kiss it and say "your existance is magical and makes my life a lot better".
I've learnt about pain, and about hurting others. Insensitivity is an easy emotion to acquire when you've got it all. A nice helping of irresponsibility adds to that as well. Some of you will know what i'm talking about, others won't. Its all relative and don't bother comparing your life to mine, because we are, as you all must know by now, unique snowflakes.
Many things i wish i could have done differently, but that doesn't stop me from working hard right now. Working my BUTT off to become this better me. And then from time to time sitting back and enjoying what i've accomplished, and revising what i've mistaken. Oh this sounds like lovely ideals, great optimism Alexandra great. Heh, sounds like the same old spiel, but its coming in a new packaging, and its called introspection. To lead a better life, i need my love to be here.
I have no capacity for missing people, my emotional missing bucket is full. I miss a lot of people all the time. But this is not possible fore I've said goodbye to many many people in my youth, many of which i haven't thought of since. How cold hearted you might think, but that is the way one must deal with it if one is to live a semi decent fictous childhood. Mine was fabulous, but now the consequences must be dealt with and a lot of honesty.
Honesty.
Another word that is thrown around like a ping pong ball. I don't claim to know it better than other people. But the others they are so bad with it. Zombies going around preaching honesty. Yeah.right. If you were really honest, you'd spend a little time explaining to yourself about all those times you stared at someone cry coldheartedly, you thought all those risqué thoughts that could banish you from any social group and when something really made you upset. Honesty is dangerous and its all yours. People don't cherish it, YOU have the power to tell YOURSELF everything thats going on. BUt we are scared, we are mice shivering in the laboratory. HAH i don't care, i'm going to look at it all anyways, screw the scientists. (shes really gone mad now, no no fellow readers, this metaphor doesn't really hold up anywhere but in my MIND)
I love you Ted. I miss, miss, miss, it all, and IOU kiss on the back. (time away really helping it all in perspective)( you were right. as usual :))
I'm still here.
Its been a while, and where have I been?
Oh all over, a little bit within myself, quite a bit without myself. To use the overused metaphor, its been a rollercoaster ride, and its not about to stop. Yay for life! I'm serious, its been quite drab until now, and it feels like i'm finally living it. "Growing up". Who thought that would ever happen? Well, it hasn't really happened yet but i feel it creeping up on me. I'm more ready for it than I was a year ago i'm sure about that.
I've learnt so much in the past 4 monthes its wonderful. Not facts or information, but reality and self awareness. Sounds a bit boring like that, but without reality what have I got? Oh, just my life for the past 19 years i suppose :) I've learnt about love, and how i'm having a hard time exercising it. Love is everywhere and we take it for granted. Now that I treasure it within this big heart of mine, I have no clue what to do with it. Its going to take a few more bold leaps of faith and a true grasp on life to truely kiss it and say "your existance is magical and makes my life a lot better".
I've learnt about pain, and about hurting others. Insensitivity is an easy emotion to acquire when you've got it all. A nice helping of irresponsibility adds to that as well. Some of you will know what i'm talking about, others won't. Its all relative and don't bother comparing your life to mine, because we are, as you all must know by now, unique snowflakes.
Many things i wish i could have done differently, but that doesn't stop me from working hard right now. Working my BUTT off to become this better me. And then from time to time sitting back and enjoying what i've accomplished, and revising what i've mistaken. Oh this sounds like lovely ideals, great optimism Alexandra great. Heh, sounds like the same old spiel, but its coming in a new packaging, and its called introspection. To lead a better life, i need my love to be here.
I have no capacity for missing people, my emotional missing bucket is full. I miss a lot of people all the time. But this is not possible fore I've said goodbye to many many people in my youth, many of which i haven't thought of since. How cold hearted you might think, but that is the way one must deal with it if one is to live a semi decent fictous childhood. Mine was fabulous, but now the consequences must be dealt with and a lot of honesty.
Honesty.
Another word that is thrown around like a ping pong ball. I don't claim to know it better than other people. But the others they are so bad with it. Zombies going around preaching honesty. Yeah.right. If you were really honest, you'd spend a little time explaining to yourself about all those times you stared at someone cry coldheartedly, you thought all those risqué thoughts that could banish you from any social group and when something really made you upset. Honesty is dangerous and its all yours. People don't cherish it, YOU have the power to tell YOURSELF everything thats going on. BUt we are scared, we are mice shivering in the laboratory. HAH i don't care, i'm going to look at it all anyways, screw the scientists. (shes really gone mad now, no no fellow readers, this metaphor doesn't really hold up anywhere but in my MIND)
I love you Ted. I miss, miss, miss, it all, and IOU kiss on the back. (time away really helping it all in perspective)( you were right. as usual :))
19.6.05
24.5.05
The Confirmation
Yes, yours, my love, is the right human face.
I in my mind had waited for this long,
Seeing the false and seaching for the true,
They found you as a traveller finds a place
Of welcome suddenly amid the wrong
Valleys and rocks and twisting roads. But you,
What shall I call you? A fountain in a waste,
A well of water in a country dry,
Or anything that's honest and good, an eye
That makes the whole world bright. Your open heart,
Simple with giving, gives the primal deed,
The first good world, the bloosom, the blowing seed,
The hearth, the steadfast land, the wandering sea.
Not beautiful or rare in every part.
But like yourself, as they were meant to be.
Edwin Muir
I in my mind had waited for this long,
Seeing the false and seaching for the true,
They found you as a traveller finds a place
Of welcome suddenly amid the wrong
Valleys and rocks and twisting roads. But you,
What shall I call you? A fountain in a waste,
A well of water in a country dry,
Or anything that's honest and good, an eye
That makes the whole world bright. Your open heart,
Simple with giving, gives the primal deed,
The first good world, the bloosom, the blowing seed,
The hearth, the steadfast land, the wandering sea.
Not beautiful or rare in every part.
But like yourself, as they were meant to be.
Edwin Muir
16.5.05
...
its like i don't have the right to a trial anymore but rightly so. I can do this. I can do all of this as long as who you were is waiting for me at the end of this dark tunnel.
-Princess of Absurd, while on a trip with her best friend the mind, to whatever lay behind herself .
-Princess of Absurd, while on a trip with her best friend the mind, to whatever lay behind herself .
13.5.05
3.5.05
ISM's
Milllk - { "lisa, what's an enviornmental issue we can debate?" "photosynthesis!" } says:
capitalism - You have 2 cows. You sell one cow and buy 2 bales (sp) of hay
socialism - You have 2 cowns. The government takes one cow, and gives it to your neighbour, who has none
anarchism - You have 3 cows. You shoot your neighbour, and steal his cows.
communism - You have 3 cows. The government takes one, and you never see it again
liberalism - You have 2 cows. The government tries to convince you that you don't need either one
surrealism - You have a giraffe. The government makes you take harmonica lessons
capitalism - You have 2 cows. You sell one cow and buy 2 bales (sp) of hay
socialism - You have 2 cowns. The government takes one cow, and gives it to your neighbour, who has none
anarchism - You have 3 cows. You shoot your neighbour, and steal his cows.
communism - You have 3 cows. The government takes one, and you never see it again
liberalism - You have 2 cows. The government tries to convince you that you don't need either one
surrealism - You have a giraffe. The government makes you take harmonica lessons
More lies to truth
Bob lives in a nice city. Bob is moral in that he has never killed or stolen anything. Of course Bob also votes and flag waves when his nation’s armed forces go off to kill in his name, but bob’s sense of morality is limited to a 50 mile radius of his physical being; out of sight out of mind. Bob secretly thinks that any death is worth his comfort but he preaches compassion and love in social get-together’s. Bob is religious. Bob reads books frequently. In fact he can quote passages from various sources, and this, Bob takes as evidence of his intellectual fortitude. Of course Bob cannot come to any personal realization unless they are dictated to him from external sources. Bob inherits beliefs he does not earn them. Bob can quote and he frequently displays his knowledge by using large words and by mentioning famous people. Bob regurgitates ideas like a cow does fodder. Bob does not know the difference between knowledge and intelligence. Bob does not question his world. He does not challenge his perceptions and beliefs. Bob only displays skepticism at the corner grocery store where he is doubtful if this is the best price he can get. Bobs skepticism begins and ends in his wallet. Bob has ethics. When Bob wants to form an opinion he does not open his eyes to the world and to his experiences but he opens a book to another’s eyes and experiences. Bob adopts critical thoughts because he is not confident in his own mind. Bob is astute. Bob secretly knows his own quality of mind.
Bob is married and he has kids. He thinks his genes are so precious that they need to be preserved for future generations. Bobs genetic ‘quality’ will be propagated into eternity. Bob teaches his children to be just like Bob. They will become one of the many, parts to a greater whole and this is his most comforting ideal. Bob does not like to stand apart. He likes conforming and fitting in. Bob believes in altruism and compassion mainly because he wants assurances that they will be offered to him in his time of need. Bob is selfish but he believes that he is ‘good’. Bob has plenty. Bob is fat on the products of his work. His very definition of happiness entails plentiful resources. It is therefore impossible for Bob to ignore his instincts. He eats often, even if it will eventually kill him. Bob cannot keep his mouth closed. This is his evidence that he is successful and worthy of praise and imitation. A large frig is a good enough substitute for an empty head for Bob. Bob has a nice car and a large home. Bob believes the things he owns are examples of his value. Bob adorns his life with symbols and wears labels of praise to hide the hollow interior. Bob lives life in fear that people will discover his inner secret. Bob fears people like me.
Bob depends on equalitarianism. Bob believes just being born makes him worthy of respect and dignity. Bob mocks all those that are his superiors. He finds things to put them down with. Bob lives in delusion. Bob does not like being reminded of who and what he really is. He accuses all that do so of cynicism or reductionism. Sometimes he accuses them of over-generalizing. This because he wants assurances that others will respect him when uttering stupidities in public places. Bob supports Democracy. Bob reads the paper and is well-misinformed. Bob thinks being published automatically makes you a dependable source. Bob does not question the institutions of his society, of his culture, of his nation, of his religion. He fears being alone; he is unable to stand in solitude. Bob pretends like he cares. Bob therefore finds it hard to swallow when someone shows disdain towards him. Bob believes he deserves eternity. Bob thinks his existence is so important to the universe that it needs to be preserved forever. Bob believes in God. Bob is willing to allow others to kill on his behalf to save this part of his belief system.Bob likes to posture and pretend, especially to himself. But in the night in the deepest recesses of his being Bob senses intuitively his real self, his real worth, his real value and he grows desperate and ashamed. He hates all that remind him of this undisclosed truth. He despises all those that bring into his consciousness all the things he hides even from himself. Bob is a blind automaton destined to serve and die in complete subjugation and ignorance. Bob will live but never know life; he will exist but never be aware of existence. Bob will follow the rules, be respectful, politically-correct and compassionate; Bob is a hypocrite. Bob is necessary. How else would dirty deeds be made possible? How else would great men make their ideals reality? Bob is a nobody, but don’t tell Bob that. He’ll call you a cynic, a pessimist, a fascist or even an egotist. If you try to tell Bob what he is in a runabout way he will accuse you of generalizing to maintain his delusion and keep on pretending he is a ‘good’ man. Bob finds solace in numbers. It is his participation in majorities that he sees as his 'truth'.
Bob is married and he has kids. He thinks his genes are so precious that they need to be preserved for future generations. Bobs genetic ‘quality’ will be propagated into eternity. Bob teaches his children to be just like Bob. They will become one of the many, parts to a greater whole and this is his most comforting ideal. Bob does not like to stand apart. He likes conforming and fitting in. Bob believes in altruism and compassion mainly because he wants assurances that they will be offered to him in his time of need. Bob is selfish but he believes that he is ‘good’. Bob has plenty. Bob is fat on the products of his work. His very definition of happiness entails plentiful resources. It is therefore impossible for Bob to ignore his instincts. He eats often, even if it will eventually kill him. Bob cannot keep his mouth closed. This is his evidence that he is successful and worthy of praise and imitation. A large frig is a good enough substitute for an empty head for Bob. Bob has a nice car and a large home. Bob believes the things he owns are examples of his value. Bob adorns his life with symbols and wears labels of praise to hide the hollow interior. Bob lives life in fear that people will discover his inner secret. Bob fears people like me.
Bob depends on equalitarianism. Bob believes just being born makes him worthy of respect and dignity. Bob mocks all those that are his superiors. He finds things to put them down with. Bob lives in delusion. Bob does not like being reminded of who and what he really is. He accuses all that do so of cynicism or reductionism. Sometimes he accuses them of over-generalizing. This because he wants assurances that others will respect him when uttering stupidities in public places. Bob supports Democracy. Bob reads the paper and is well-misinformed. Bob thinks being published automatically makes you a dependable source. Bob does not question the institutions of his society, of his culture, of his nation, of his religion. He fears being alone; he is unable to stand in solitude. Bob pretends like he cares. Bob therefore finds it hard to swallow when someone shows disdain towards him. Bob believes he deserves eternity. Bob thinks his existence is so important to the universe that it needs to be preserved forever. Bob believes in God. Bob is willing to allow others to kill on his behalf to save this part of his belief system.Bob likes to posture and pretend, especially to himself. But in the night in the deepest recesses of his being Bob senses intuitively his real self, his real worth, his real value and he grows desperate and ashamed. He hates all that remind him of this undisclosed truth. He despises all those that bring into his consciousness all the things he hides even from himself. Bob is a blind automaton destined to serve and die in complete subjugation and ignorance. Bob will live but never know life; he will exist but never be aware of existence. Bob will follow the rules, be respectful, politically-correct and compassionate; Bob is a hypocrite. Bob is necessary. How else would dirty deeds be made possible? How else would great men make their ideals reality? Bob is a nobody, but don’t tell Bob that. He’ll call you a cynic, a pessimist, a fascist or even an egotist. If you try to tell Bob what he is in a runabout way he will accuse you of generalizing to maintain his delusion and keep on pretending he is a ‘good’ man. Bob finds solace in numbers. It is his participation in majorities that he sees as his 'truth'.
2.5.05
We're close - let's keep it that way :)
animula vagula, blandula,
hospes comesque corporis
quae nunc abibis in loca
pallidula rigida nudula
nec, ut soles, dabis iocos?
hospes comesque corporis
quae nunc abibis in loca
pallidula rigida nudula
nec, ut soles, dabis iocos?
1.5.05
comptine d'un autre été: l'après midi.
Farfallina bella bianca
Vola, vola mai si stanca
Gira di qua, gira di la
Fin che 'posa su Papa
Beautiful white butterfly
Without tiring, fly and fly
Turning to here and turning to there
Until she rests on Daddy's chest.
how do you think when you need to think
how do you speak when you need to speak
how do you speak when you need to speak
how do you breathe when you need to live
how does time wind itself up so slowly in a coil only to rebound back at you when the annoying things happen.
just need to stop being scared bad things are going to happen, and deal with bad thing when they actually do happen.
tears tear
wind winds itself
une verre vert vers la vie
parfois même quand je dors, on me rapelle de cette oiseau.
i want to do things right, want to be ahead of myself.
30.4.05
Naomi Klein
Sarah opens her eyes to the world again;
"In a Sri Lanken zone, one worker was reported to be so terrified of losing her job after giving birth that she drowned her newborn baby in a toilet"
-No Logo
I don't know what to say or what to do. Even opening up Internet Explorer right now to write what horror I feel, seems wrong.
"In a Sri Lanken zone, one worker was reported to be so terrified of losing her job after giving birth that she drowned her newborn baby in a toilet"
-No Logo
I don't know what to say or what to do. Even opening up Internet Explorer right now to write what horror I feel, seems wrong.
28.4.05
beyond tears
i want to cry and cry and cry.
no one here who isn't either fucked up or in zombie mode due to work.
I need a spirit free of sadness or routine to cradle me in their arms for just 10 mins. Its all I ask. Just to reinvigorate me and give me courage for the next couple of day.I need Ted so badly, I need to live life again, not trudge through this shit. And this shit makes sense when i can think. I can't think. Sleep would help too. I guess. how days get longer when you think about them more. how tedious beaurocracy tightens the clamp around the brain. how that flight home should relieve all but is only a slight release from this hell. I'm not happy here. I need to breathe. I need space. Quiet. When you lack sleep. The thing you need is sleep. If sound and people and life hinder this acquisition of sanity, the stress makes you sick and makes you want to cry. I don't like that. And there is so much i can and will do about it.
no one here who isn't either fucked up or in zombie mode due to work.
I need a spirit free of sadness or routine to cradle me in their arms for just 10 mins. Its all I ask. Just to reinvigorate me and give me courage for the next couple of day.I need Ted so badly, I need to live life again, not trudge through this shit. And this shit makes sense when i can think. I can't think. Sleep would help too. I guess. how days get longer when you think about them more. how tedious beaurocracy tightens the clamp around the brain. how that flight home should relieve all but is only a slight release from this hell. I'm not happy here. I need to breathe. I need space. Quiet. When you lack sleep. The thing you need is sleep. If sound and people and life hinder this acquisition of sanity, the stress makes you sick and makes you want to cry. I don't like that. And there is so much i can and will do about it.
and they wonder why i'm going nuts
...HEEEYyy Jennaaaa can I borrow your "Will you hold my beer while I kiss your girlfriend" haaaat.....Suuure Maria has one tOooo....Hey MAriiaaaa can I borrow your "Will you hold my beer while I kiss your girlfriend" haaaat...NOOO i Don't hAAAVE that haaaaat ....*knock knock* Heyy Naaataliiieee can I borrow your "Will you hold my beer while I kiss your girlfriend" haaaat (etc)
Ohh Cute shoes! No nooo they aren't that nice. NO reaaally CUTE SHOES!! EEEK I GUESS!! hahahaa!
*SLAM DOOR* *RUN RUN STOMP STOMP* HEEY LAUREN CAN I BORROW SOME OF YOUR VODKAAAA. LAUUUUREEEN PLEEEASSE
GRAAADUATTIONNNN WOOOOO!!!
*SQUEAAAAALLL*
*RUN RUN STOMP STOPM* LAURAAA !!!....NOooo don't LOOK aT me YET!!!....DOn'T WORRY I'm NOT PRETTYY YET EITHER...NOOooo Don'T LOOKK AT ME YETT... WELL I'M GOING to GO GETT PRETTEEEEEE BYEEEE I LOOOOOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuu
*EEEEEK*
I don't kNOW IF I SHOULD PUT ON JEWELRYY....YOUU SHOULLDLDD.... YEAH BUT i DON'T kknoOWWW... OKkKKkk....
*SLAM DOOR* *SLAM DOOR*
I love tHIS SONG!!! ...YEAAA ITs SO DirTY that I love it
Ohh Cute shoes! No nooo they aren't that nice. NO reaaally CUTE SHOES!! EEEK I GUESS!! hahahaa!
*SLAM DOOR* *RUN RUN STOMP STOMP* HEEY LAUREN CAN I BORROW SOME OF YOUR VODKAAAA. LAUUUUREEEN PLEEEASSE
GRAAADUATTIONNNN WOOOOO!!!
*SQUEAAAAALLL*
*RUN RUN STOMP STOPM* LAURAAA !!!....NOooo don't LOOK aT me YET!!!....DOn'T WORRY I'm NOT PRETTYY YET EITHER...NOOooo Don'T LOOKK AT ME YETT... WELL I'M GOING to GO GETT PRETTEEEEEE BYEEEE I LOOOOOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuu
*EEEEEK*
I don't kNOW IF I SHOULD PUT ON JEWELRYY....YOUU SHOULLDLDD.... YEAH BUT i DON'T kknoOWWW... OKkKKkk....
*SLAM DOOR* *SLAM DOOR*
I love tHIS SONG!!! ...YEAAA ITs SO DirTY that I love it
24.4.05
wind.
the light source ducking in and out of the clouds. waves of light pouring over the shivering foilage. trying hard to push against the push. Light now, so happy to be pushed, shaking but nervous trepidation, the green screaming in delight, exuding Life. Polyphonic delight screaming SUN!. the scream of thousands, thousands of men, thousands of leaves. basking. The rain was beautiful yesterday, I wanted another week of it. But wind is as exciting. Nervous rhythm the wind whistling away to the tune of the shouts. leaves barely attached but so strong, an intense but pleasurable struggle. The wind skipping a corner and through this room, i feel goosebumps. Goosebumps reminding me of Life. How does such ancient bark push through such youthful leaves? its rejuvenating. How do I know you are shining? the only indication a tiny square of nature and one large brick wall. Even the brick today is breathing out at me, instead of being the barrier it usually is.
Open the window. Step outside. walk among the branches, it doesn't matter where you step you always have a firm grasp on Life. Barefooted so its an endless textural experience. cushioned by the green but firm on the limbs. Fall backwards into strong arms, the softest touch describable. the nervous shakings brush slower and become perpetual kisses.
Someone out there is randomly picking the music very appropriately. Sometimes you keep your mind at a constant low buzz and everything around you swirls around you faster, and faster a quick breeze turning around you, on you, inside you and reaching till the very top where it dances with this hidden mind. The smile, tickled brain, sun, kisses, goosebumps, random precision thank a simple current of air. the wind.
Open the window. Step outside. walk among the branches, it doesn't matter where you step you always have a firm grasp on Life. Barefooted so its an endless textural experience. cushioned by the green but firm on the limbs. Fall backwards into strong arms, the softest touch describable. the nervous shakings brush slower and become perpetual kisses.
Someone out there is randomly picking the music very appropriately. Sometimes you keep your mind at a constant low buzz and everything around you swirls around you faster, and faster a quick breeze turning around you, on you, inside you and reaching till the very top where it dances with this hidden mind. The smile, tickled brain, sun, kisses, goosebumps, random precision thank a simple current of air. the wind.
22.4.05
Right before you called me for the first time. I think.
Moments in time but sometimes not in space. Where time stops and looks at you. The thoughts spilling out into a endless well never to be looked at again. Continually never stopping continually never stopping continually stopping. You know what I want and I want something normal but something that kicks my heart over the world but nothings gonna change what I have now because it will only change by itself and by the time its done that there will be too many people on this planet not caring maybe caring a little too much for my wellbeing then there was a silence. We liked the silence, but I don’t think they did because they shuffled about nervously and then rabbit jumped up from behind the moon never to be told to go back again and freely hugged the sunset which bathed it with warm glows and a big smile that could make even brainwashing TV shows jealous.
A warm fuzzy old click click click of vinyl records stumbling round and round made me curl in a ball on the duvet of endless comfort.
A warm fuzzy old click click click of vinyl records stumbling round and round made me curl in a ball on the duvet of endless comfort.
21.4.05
i am sad
the present is yet again waiting for something to start in the future. Yet this time things are in reach, so
a) the patience involved with getting them should be heightened but its lowered considerably
b) the things that could possibly get in the way of happiness are heightened.
The past is coming back in the present, the future as exciting as it will be is damn scary, and all this plus a little bit of procrastination makes Sarah a sad girl. Not angry or depressed or anything too extreme. Just a little sad. And its an acceptable human emotion. Just one Sarah isn't to familiar in dealing with.
a) the patience involved with getting them should be heightened but its lowered considerably
b) the things that could possibly get in the way of happiness are heightened.
The past is coming back in the present, the future as exciting as it will be is damn scary, and all this plus a little bit of procrastination makes Sarah a sad girl. Not angry or depressed or anything too extreme. Just a little sad. And its an acceptable human emotion. Just one Sarah isn't to familiar in dealing with.
19.4.05
Popier than the Pope?
Who could possibly be popier than the pope. An ex nazi youth german cardinal apparently. Have you looked at his eyes lately? Yea, me neither, because their don't exist! They are but holes burnt out with a cigarette end into a face. I usually wouldn't really care about who exactly was the pope as it has never before really affected my life, but i came to my room after lunch and my roommate was watching the election on the news. I think it was quite timely that i was there for the live announcement of the pope 20 mins in between classes. NBC, very well timed, pat on your back. Conveniently enough my literature in bible class was next, though we did not relate of our experiences with the pope and institutionalised religions. Tear.
And through the whole mess of a monotone unroutinely routine, i miss ted. a lot. There is nothing worse than the slow installation of a 3 month long abyss. If i had normal feelings like the rest of the intelligent people out there, i would be reasonably balancing out my excess emotions with my rational and get it all evened out straight. Not ignore it until it bursts or burst till it must be ignored. But no, i am novice to feeling anything real and being aware of feeling anything real. Somewhere out there though, i'm doing it right, as this relationship (such a formal word for so much magic) is holding its head out high and proud above the crowd of relationship wannabees out there :)
At times very melancholic over some beautiful moments, other times buzzing with excitement (trepidation) for not only europe home but for a new home, found in this new entity.
And through the whole mess of a monotone unroutinely routine, i miss ted. a lot. There is nothing worse than the slow installation of a 3 month long abyss. If i had normal feelings like the rest of the intelligent people out there, i would be reasonably balancing out my excess emotions with my rational and get it all evened out straight. Not ignore it until it bursts or burst till it must be ignored. But no, i am novice to feeling anything real and being aware of feeling anything real. Somewhere out there though, i'm doing it right, as this relationship (such a formal word for so much magic) is holding its head out high and proud above the crowd of relationship wannabees out there :)
At times very melancholic over some beautiful moments, other times buzzing with excitement (trepidation) for not only europe home but for a new home, found in this new entity.
meep
Found some TLC on my I-tunes (my current god when it comes to music). I had a sudden flash back to middle school dances. Listening to Unpretty, it occured to me that i never really felt unpretty, no matter how many times i was rejected at those school dances. I embittered myself towards the male sex a little but never to myself. I wonder why. What I did recall was how it was really important a week before the dance was coming up, to loose weight. As if we were going to loose anything in 1 week and as if it made a difference. We talked about fun superficial things like what we were going to wear and what make up we were going to apply 2 weeks in advance to prepare for feeling shiney the night of. We got ourselves all hyped up for the dance. I remember loving to dance. I still love to dance. I remember really wanting the slow dances to come up to see if i would dare to tell my friend to tell a friend to tell a friend to ask [boy's name] to dance with me. I wasn't rejected too much in 5th grade because my wrath towards boys hadn't developed yet. As the years in middle school accumulated, certain boys became more and more evil. And those were usually the ones I had a crush on (what do you know). I wasn't really picky back then, I must have had a crush on every second boy. And usually more than one at a time.
And heres me reading the Last Temptation of Christ. The priorities have evolved just a little. Haven't danced much lately though. I did not meet my boyfriend as a result of trying to loose weight either. Not entirely swayed by peer pressure yet not entirely independent, I'm on the constant search for a non existant middle ground. I still like to paint my fingernails though.
And heres me reading the Last Temptation of Christ. The priorities have evolved just a little. Haven't danced much lately though. I did not meet my boyfriend as a result of trying to loose weight either. Not entirely swayed by peer pressure yet not entirely independent, I'm on the constant search for a non existant middle ground. I still like to paint my fingernails though.
14.4.05
Peoples
So, think of all the people in your semi-close sphere. That person who you've had a few conversations with in the hallway, or that waiter you've exchanged a few quaint chatty lines with. Just the minor characters in your life. Life has it that you are thrown into a random situation, say a log cabin in the middle of the woods, with just them. You both ended up hiking in the woods, bumped into each other, one of you owned a cabin and decided to invite the other one in. Would they talk to you of their beliefs in life? Would you realise that no matter who the other person was, there would always be a universal soul of man that would permeate between the two of you so as to pull you down to confessing how similar you both really are?
I wonder if it is a cultural thing. This, opening yourself up to near strangers, thing. I just can't imagine two Ukrainian people inviting a bare acquaintance over to their log cabins. Even though i'm sure quite a lot of them own log cabins. I have no idea what this rant is about.
But in any case I was thinking about random minor characters in my life and wondered if I asked them those heart drenching questions right now whether they would show their real selves. Their 0 AD fig leaf, goats milk, olive oil selves. The side of them layered with red-brown fabric and ox hide sandals. I wonder. No we did not all inhabit ancient Isreal or whatever it was called back then, but you know what I mean. We have something of that world bubbling away inside of our clay bodies. I remember it. I'd have to remember it, otherwise why would it feel so familiar?
Sometimes even when we know the answers to our most beloved secrets, being honest isn't all that bad, it just opens a wider scope of beloved truthes to look forward to.
I wonder if it is a cultural thing. This, opening yourself up to near strangers, thing. I just can't imagine two Ukrainian people inviting a bare acquaintance over to their log cabins. Even though i'm sure quite a lot of them own log cabins. I have no idea what this rant is about.
But in any case I was thinking about random minor characters in my life and wondered if I asked them those heart drenching questions right now whether they would show their real selves. Their 0 AD fig leaf, goats milk, olive oil selves. The side of them layered with red-brown fabric and ox hide sandals. I wonder. No we did not all inhabit ancient Isreal or whatever it was called back then, but you know what I mean. We have something of that world bubbling away inside of our clay bodies. I remember it. I'd have to remember it, otherwise why would it feel so familiar?
Sometimes even when we know the answers to our most beloved secrets, being honest isn't all that bad, it just opens a wider scope of beloved truthes to look forward to.
24.3.05
19.3.05
Suddenly you existed again.
Back from the dreamy whirlwind.
God was that good.
God is that still good.
Just a little too much routine to deal with now though.
Now i see you everywhere, everyone looks like you because you are a constant drum in my head no matter how much I put you to the side in my head. Certain uncertainties recquire a big courageous swallow. We didn't resolve everything. I didn't hug you that 100th time at the airport. Did i do something wrong? Did you do something wrong? Didn't we just have this conversation? Yea we did. Did it help? Sure, but you're not just in the bathroom. You haven't just gone out to get something. You're miiiiiles away. Only for a little while. Yes. But a little while too long. I miss you like a thousand ravenous beings reaching desperately at my heart, reaching for that feeling of you. I miss you so much. Its been 12 hours. I miss you like I never met you and know I need to turn around every 5 seconds to look at the doorway to see if you step into my life again. You said it would be hard. I know hard...at least this hard. Maybe not this degree. But i've seen this hard. There are ways of tucking it away. Just, suddenly, a reminder of how much of me is apparently missing. An unavoidable part of me. How many thoughts like these have crossed others in the world. I'm a commoner within this world, feeling the expected feelings of one in love. Or is the rest of the world too busy with numbing itself. You and I, yes it felt quite above the ordinary. Or do we embellish so as to make our connection unique. Who knows. No desperate yearn for a metaphor can replace i love you at this very instance though. Nothing can erase or replace how right this feels. Yes, you.
God was that good.
God is that still good.
Just a little too much routine to deal with now though.
Now i see you everywhere, everyone looks like you because you are a constant drum in my head no matter how much I put you to the side in my head. Certain uncertainties recquire a big courageous swallow. We didn't resolve everything. I didn't hug you that 100th time at the airport. Did i do something wrong? Did you do something wrong? Didn't we just have this conversation? Yea we did. Did it help? Sure, but you're not just in the bathroom. You haven't just gone out to get something. You're miiiiiles away. Only for a little while. Yes. But a little while too long. I miss you like a thousand ravenous beings reaching desperately at my heart, reaching for that feeling of you. I miss you so much. Its been 12 hours. I miss you like I never met you and know I need to turn around every 5 seconds to look at the doorway to see if you step into my life again. You said it would be hard. I know hard...at least this hard. Maybe not this degree. But i've seen this hard. There are ways of tucking it away. Just, suddenly, a reminder of how much of me is apparently missing. An unavoidable part of me. How many thoughts like these have crossed others in the world. I'm a commoner within this world, feeling the expected feelings of one in love. Or is the rest of the world too busy with numbing itself. You and I, yes it felt quite above the ordinary. Or do we embellish so as to make our connection unique. Who knows. No desperate yearn for a metaphor can replace i love you at this very instance though. Nothing can erase or replace how right this feels. Yes, you.
9.3.05
Carry On
So i went to New York. It was a quick succession of busy nothings behind a mind constantly loaded with an overflow of what if's and oh my god's. The sun shone. It was busy, fast, geometric, bright grey, international yet oh so american, a café wanting to be french wanting to be american wanting to be stylish wanting to be rustic wanting to taste good wanting to be rich to look poor. It was the replica of Europe's altered memory. It was mindblowing yet there was so much concrete. Everything plastered with a sense of not enough time to spare, not enough life to live. It was beautiful even in its ugly neglected concrete. It was New York.
Then there was my other. Through a lot of miscommunication and second guessing, we met. First looks were curious, the words were all automatic autopilot so as to give the emotions time to land again. Walking through a massive city with someone you have never met before. Relying on their sense of direction. It didn't occur to me but it was probably the most exhilarating meeting I will ever have in my life. Central Park through the eyes of my memoried 12 yr old self, my present 1950's postcard 18yr old self, and through the soft playful nostalgic gaze of my other. The stars talking to the ducks in the pond, and the ducks talking to us, showing off the magestic trail of skimming water behind them. Neverending car ride, nebula of not knowing edged somewhere in the constant, i belong here feeling. I belong in a lot of other places too, but here i belong with constant reassurance, with a never faltering reassurance, Sarah you belong here. Not on some interstate highway, not in some car, just this soul sitting on the chair of this mind caressing this heart.
Then there was my other. Through a lot of miscommunication and second guessing, we met. First looks were curious, the words were all automatic autopilot so as to give the emotions time to land again. Walking through a massive city with someone you have never met before. Relying on their sense of direction. It didn't occur to me but it was probably the most exhilarating meeting I will ever have in my life. Central Park through the eyes of my memoried 12 yr old self, my present 1950's postcard 18yr old self, and through the soft playful nostalgic gaze of my other. The stars talking to the ducks in the pond, and the ducks talking to us, showing off the magestic trail of skimming water behind them. Neverending car ride, nebula of not knowing edged somewhere in the constant, i belong here feeling. I belong in a lot of other places too, but here i belong with constant reassurance, with a never faltering reassurance, Sarah you belong here. Not on some interstate highway, not in some car, just this soul sitting on the chair of this mind caressing this heart.
2.3.05
Vivere-Vissi
This is the first time i skip a class without having a real reason to. It wasn't even a rebelious act. It was so that I could get other work done. But for some strange reason I feel a little part of me living. Talk about the lowest form of adrenaline. I just am constantly reminded that its okay to fuck up. Well in this lifetime atleast.
3 more days. It's not finality, it's the logical evolution to something greater, something more real. Well, its not hard to get anymore real than nothing. Its nice to have a distance of 3 days without any real reminder because then when meeting finally comes, it'll be twice as nice.
I still don't know what i'm going to think of New York, especially in this weather. Hmm...Not a city gal. Geneva isn't a city, its a bubble, a pretty rich little bubble. New York is hardcore, New York is the epitome of "CITY". I hope to find the hidden corners and secret gardens of even what i consider one of the ugliest cities. I want the people who love it, to marvel me with aspects I never imagined existed and let me see it through their eyes.
I want New York to be a candy i can enjoy for a day, and then be happy to go back to Northampton in my small town world.
I wonder when Sarah got this serious. Or is Serious not serious, its just a evolution from silly onto paper pretending to be serious in a viel. Or maybe I'm maturing *shudder*. What a thought. In any case, this is not how I talk in every day life, or at least not most of the time. The intelligent thoughts like the above definitely are well hidden. but its better that way, so that i have chance to explore them at ease on my own :)
3 more days. It's not finality, it's the logical evolution to something greater, something more real. Well, its not hard to get anymore real than nothing. Its nice to have a distance of 3 days without any real reminder because then when meeting finally comes, it'll be twice as nice.
I still don't know what i'm going to think of New York, especially in this weather. Hmm...Not a city gal. Geneva isn't a city, its a bubble, a pretty rich little bubble. New York is hardcore, New York is the epitome of "CITY". I hope to find the hidden corners and secret gardens of even what i consider one of the ugliest cities. I want the people who love it, to marvel me with aspects I never imagined existed and let me see it through their eyes.
I want New York to be a candy i can enjoy for a day, and then be happy to go back to Northampton in my small town world.
I wonder when Sarah got this serious. Or is Serious not serious, its just a evolution from silly onto paper pretending to be serious in a viel. Or maybe I'm maturing *shudder*. What a thought. In any case, this is not how I talk in every day life, or at least not most of the time. The intelligent thoughts like the above definitely are well hidden. but its better that way, so that i have chance to explore them at ease on my own :)
27.2.05
Another Essay Not being Written, not thinking while writing
It is important for this section to stand out because it encourages the reader not to go and fuck with our minds as they do when I thought we were all going to, then there was extricably the reason why we thought everyone was going to die. There was a sweet whisper at the depths of the ocean, stop fucking around with me, I swear you’re just confusing the slight tingling matter within the chimpanzees.
There was a free write and they were all going to sleep at the slippery slopes of the mountain, which mountain they asked h she didn’t know because there were too many ideas going on and on in her head stop going to the place where we don’t want you to go and she stopped thinking so that they could all let her think instead why don’t we want you to make sense. I don’t know why would we ever want anyone to make sense there are too many awys out in this world why can’t I ever think think think thinkthink thitnktnktnknknknknknknknknknknknknknknknknknknknknk.
No more rules to the writing of the real poets if it comes from the scraping utter back part of my brain, it must be quality shit to read. Or would it be? Who the hell knows any of this anymore.
23.2.05
Fresh air makes sense.
The only thing that makes any sense anymore, is the way this song is carving my heart into a glowing ember. The only thing that makes sense anymore is the marking the previous inhabitant of this room left on the ceiling, so strange, a shape reminding of nothing that could possibly have been stuck to a wall yet so softly painted over, just, perfect.
The only thing that makes any sense anymore, is the way this song is carving my heart into a glowing ember. The only thing that makes sense anymore is the marking the previous inhabitant of this room left on the ceiling, so strange, a shape reminding of nothing that could possibly have been stuck to a wall yet so softly painted over, just, perfect.
Those things make sense.
The way routine and the unimaginable are battling in my head and heart, does not make sense. Duty, things you should be doing, just become like trudging through the quickly drying mud. My heart pushing time forwards, nothing else just my heart, beating to keep it going; where to?
-The top of the world of course.
17.2.05
HELLO my name is SARAH
I volunteered to help with the Red Cross. Donating blood? naaah just helping those donating blood. It was fun, i met a new person called Huelo. A girl from Oregan with a Hawaiian name, with Hawaiian ancestry. To go to Siberia next year. She was stuck on the bed with a tube up her arm, and i thought this would be the best time to tell my imfamous boomerang joke. See this is how I get my victims. They have no where to go, they are lying down, so if they do start laughing slightly, the vibration of the laugh tickles them more, so they laugh more and in turn make me feel better. If only the whole world could revolve around people lying down.
Other than that, Laura is gone. Poof. Le Vanished. I guess it would have been that way, had i come back to my room 10 mins later than i had decided to, i would not have known till a lot later last night what had happened.
In anycase, the ambulance, police car and 4 police people were in front of Albright. And all i could hear myself thinking was, pleeease let her not have done something stupid. I even skipped some stairs incase somehow that would rewind her actions. She was in the room though, as normal, yet sitting at my desk was a police officer...She had told her doctor that she was feeling suicidal. And from there she has to go to the hospital. I mean, she had told me a few times earlier that week that she was feeling this way, i figured she was stressed. But she was just herself, on the wrong drugs. I'm not going to feel too guilty because i have no idea or previous experience what to do around those suicidal. Eitherway, she is in the hands of professionals and I hope the best for her of course.
Strange how it went from this summer, being curious about her and totally not linking her name to either being Republican or Christian, to meeting her and feeling a distant, yeah okay this is my roommate, to having a tough time surviving through the chirpiness, to hugging her better when feeling bad.
I just realised, that the idea she might be politically inclined one way or another had Neeever crossed my mind during the summer. It was just something not that important with us in Geneva, everyone concerned about some other country in that case. Maybe it was the summer drowsiness that didn't put 2 and 2 together. Who knows. All i know is that here, it was her only identity, besides maybe that of being Christian. Why is this even significant? Well this is partly what caused her downfall. How country or society or particular group of people, put some extreme linkage of identity to those with different political ideals. But she doesn't really talk about a lot else.
The clouds feel airbrushed today, but in a really precise Michelangelo painted on way. The sun isn't there but you could term today as a nice day. Idyllic from my window anyways.
I have different phases to a day. Some with engaged uplifting animosity, some with a oneness to nature, some with a diluted thought of the future, some with a beautiful blank, and others, of course, with the newly acquired intensity of mind.
Other than that, Laura is gone. Poof. Le Vanished. I guess it would have been that way, had i come back to my room 10 mins later than i had decided to, i would not have known till a lot later last night what had happened.
In anycase, the ambulance, police car and 4 police people were in front of Albright. And all i could hear myself thinking was, pleeease let her not have done something stupid. I even skipped some stairs incase somehow that would rewind her actions. She was in the room though, as normal, yet sitting at my desk was a police officer...She had told her doctor that she was feeling suicidal. And from there she has to go to the hospital. I mean, she had told me a few times earlier that week that she was feeling this way, i figured she was stressed. But she was just herself, on the wrong drugs. I'm not going to feel too guilty because i have no idea or previous experience what to do around those suicidal. Eitherway, she is in the hands of professionals and I hope the best for her of course.
Strange how it went from this summer, being curious about her and totally not linking her name to either being Republican or Christian, to meeting her and feeling a distant, yeah okay this is my roommate, to having a tough time surviving through the chirpiness, to hugging her better when feeling bad.
I just realised, that the idea she might be politically inclined one way or another had Neeever crossed my mind during the summer. It was just something not that important with us in Geneva, everyone concerned about some other country in that case. Maybe it was the summer drowsiness that didn't put 2 and 2 together. Who knows. All i know is that here, it was her only identity, besides maybe that of being Christian. Why is this even significant? Well this is partly what caused her downfall. How country or society or particular group of people, put some extreme linkage of identity to those with different political ideals. But she doesn't really talk about a lot else.
The clouds feel airbrushed today, but in a really precise Michelangelo painted on way. The sun isn't there but you could term today as a nice day. Idyllic from my window anyways.
I have different phases to a day. Some with engaged uplifting animosity, some with a oneness to nature, some with a diluted thought of the future, some with a beautiful blank, and others, of course, with the newly acquired intensity of mind.
13.2.05
12.2.05
Messengers through me
Nodding absent mindedly to the continual flow of music. Staring right above the screen through the window at ugly patches of melting snow.
Continual nodding, the screen is blurring but a strong influx of popups continually jumping at the corner of the eye. Move eyes to another part of the window, still the corner slides up and down and up and down more people less people people that are cared about people we couldn't care less about. All of a sudden no one on MSN makes my heart beat at an inordinary speed. I like this. A lot. Why am i even online? because its free and its there and it is the eternal distraction from doing anything wholeheartedly, anything with more than a 20th of the brain.
To see through my eyes;
nod continually
flicker something at the corner of your eye until your eyes see it without you flickering
hold highlighter in mouth
try hard not to drool
sit up straight
push up glasses
scratch neck
gaze aimlessly at a grey sky
flare nostrils occasionally when in deep thought
rub corners of eyes
Read roommates page per day calendar entitled "US Survival History"ouu something about North Korea
Start highlighting useless words in a Sociology notebook
Type something even more relevant onto a word document
Feel no guilt as to the lack of involvement
look out the window at people passing with coffee and sandwhiches
feeling the left over taste of cheesy rice crackers in the back of the mouth
remember peanut butter chocolate squares in the fridge
stop writing.
Continual nodding, the screen is blurring but a strong influx of popups continually jumping at the corner of the eye. Move eyes to another part of the window, still the corner slides up and down and up and down more people less people people that are cared about people we couldn't care less about. All of a sudden no one on MSN makes my heart beat at an inordinary speed. I like this. A lot. Why am i even online? because its free and its there and it is the eternal distraction from doing anything wholeheartedly, anything with more than a 20th of the brain.
To see through my eyes;
nod continually
flicker something at the corner of your eye until your eyes see it without you flickering
hold highlighter in mouth
try hard not to drool
sit up straight
push up glasses
scratch neck
gaze aimlessly at a grey sky
flare nostrils occasionally when in deep thought
rub corners of eyes
Read roommates page per day calendar entitled "US Survival History"ouu something about North Korea
Start highlighting useless words in a Sociology notebook
Type something even more relevant onto a word document
Feel no guilt as to the lack of involvement
look out the window at people passing with coffee and sandwhiches
feeling the left over taste of cheesy rice crackers in the back of the mouth
remember peanut butter chocolate squares in the fridge
stop writing.
10.2.05
February 9, 2005 10:38pm QuestionableContent.net
This is probably the reason why there are not more cat psychologists out there, let alone psychiatrists. Would you take a prescription for pills that was written by a cat? It would be something like "take 40 codeine pills so I can gnaw on your corpse I MEAN UH SO YOU FEEL BETTER YEAH." The reason cats are not in positions of power is becasue we know they would kill us if they had the means.
8.2.05
7.2.05
You can't loose something you don't have
Saying things at the same time.
Living in wonderland.
Stepping out of wonderland and saying goodbye to go live somewhere EVEN nicer.
What if you had never met the people you had in your lifetime. You would inevitably be someone else.
Rules on how to be someone you are Not
1. work yourself up to a point that you hate what you see and get really angry and masochistic around everyone.
2. Layers needless layers
3. Not breathing out
Rules on how to be someone you are
0. Respect yourself
0.5 Not letting anyone be disrespectful to you
1. Honesty to yourself
2. Courage to throw your innards at the unsuspecting
3. Admitting to knowledge that you might not have known before and letting that help you evolve
4. Letting the subconscious inner (at times childlike) workings of your mind reign for a while
5. Knowing when people are trying to help
6. Trying just that little bit harder to understand why you and other people rebound off each other as you tend to.
7. Letting go of the moment and being carried away with things sometimes
8. Aiming for that ultimate tranquility of mind.
9. Being kind to yourself.
If i had not met you, what would have been different? Yes, you too are an extreme in society, no matter how balanced you can be. Everyone is an extreme in the end. Extreme off of an illusionary epicenter. God i wish i could touch that epicenter once again, ever so lightly, just let it graze past my finger tips like caressing the top of water without getting wet.
How can some one make so much sense but so drastically fuck with the mind. How can whats right be so complicatedly 180degrees from where we all started.
I have a naive advantage to you. I might cry and moan about it, but i have the fresh mind, unscathed mountain water reviving that which was nearly forgotten. Yes there are the invincible but i still break down, break down into the cracks of what you weren't suspecting. Yes i might feel intimidation but i feel it and say it and i'm trying to learn from it. Not just letting it sit there, can't just let it sit there. Theres more, theres so much more, and why does it all seem like prooving, trying to proove something after another. If you let things lie and turn over time they will look different too. Its just a matter of being in a rush, feeling constant pressure in getting it all right, getting all right, and no time for deceptions, no more deceptions, no more bloody set backs to the ultimate and final goal of the world domination of mind.
Honesty, a real honest final word, and if you don't like it, then fuck it, because if thats not acceptable anymore then all else is rather pointless.
Living in wonderland.
Stepping out of wonderland and saying goodbye to go live somewhere EVEN nicer.
What if you had never met the people you had in your lifetime. You would inevitably be someone else.
Rules on how to be someone you are Not
1. work yourself up to a point that you hate what you see and get really angry and masochistic around everyone.
2. Layers needless layers
3. Not breathing out
Rules on how to be someone you are
0. Respect yourself
0.5 Not letting anyone be disrespectful to you
1. Honesty to yourself
2. Courage to throw your innards at the unsuspecting
3. Admitting to knowledge that you might not have known before and letting that help you evolve
4. Letting the subconscious inner (at times childlike) workings of your mind reign for a while
5. Knowing when people are trying to help
6. Trying just that little bit harder to understand why you and other people rebound off each other as you tend to.
7. Letting go of the moment and being carried away with things sometimes
8. Aiming for that ultimate tranquility of mind.
9. Being kind to yourself.
If i had not met you, what would have been different? Yes, you too are an extreme in society, no matter how balanced you can be. Everyone is an extreme in the end. Extreme off of an illusionary epicenter. God i wish i could touch that epicenter once again, ever so lightly, just let it graze past my finger tips like caressing the top of water without getting wet.
How can some one make so much sense but so drastically fuck with the mind. How can whats right be so complicatedly 180degrees from where we all started.
I have a naive advantage to you. I might cry and moan about it, but i have the fresh mind, unscathed mountain water reviving that which was nearly forgotten. Yes there are the invincible but i still break down, break down into the cracks of what you weren't suspecting. Yes i might feel intimidation but i feel it and say it and i'm trying to learn from it. Not just letting it sit there, can't just let it sit there. Theres more, theres so much more, and why does it all seem like prooving, trying to proove something after another. If you let things lie and turn over time they will look different too. Its just a matter of being in a rush, feeling constant pressure in getting it all right, getting all right, and no time for deceptions, no more deceptions, no more bloody set backs to the ultimate and final goal of the world domination of mind.
Honesty, a real honest final word, and if you don't like it, then fuck it, because if thats not acceptable anymore then all else is rather pointless.
2.2.05
Meeting new people is scary.
Because somehow I end up breaking their heart in one way or another. How not to be coldhearted selfish bitch. I reaaaally need to learn. Humans are one atom of sensitivity upon another. I think i'm being defensive. It was so easy as a kid only simple things could hurt you. Now its stupidly complicated things. Love is so multilayered, so abundantly multifaceted its just feels its not worth considering sometimes. So much throwing up of ones self in order to get a feeble balance in the universe
Because somehow I end up breaking their heart in one way or another. How not to be coldhearted selfish bitch. I reaaaally need to learn. Humans are one atom of sensitivity upon another. I think i'm being defensive. It was so easy as a kid only simple things could hurt you. Now its stupidly complicated things. Love is so multilayered, so abundantly multifaceted its just feels its not worth considering sometimes. So much throwing up of ones self in order to get a feeble balance in the universe
31.1.05
Fantasie-Impromptu
He made the glow in the dark stars move for the first time. For people to have created fairy tales, they must have existed at one point in time. Even in the vivid scenario of our mind, it happened. Sleep deprived as ever, things that would normally not entertain even a moments consideration come to the foreground, and everything that should be present like music, work, friends, people. Nope those don't really stick.
Brain feeling too heavy, must weigh it down with some pointless tears. Thats what happens when you're sleepy, you react too violently to, for example the fact that the window is still overlooking a wall, or that the Chopin is cutting your heart into little pieces...
would you like a little piece mr blatantly chirpy sunshine?
would you, mr gloomy room with no air or light?
I think you should share, half half, and then we would all have a tea party. No mad hatters though because that would invite some curiously interesting people. We wouldn't want that. Why would we ever want to invite something extraordinary into our lives? That would just break a routine, that would force us to search for new ways, to use our mind, to emote, to feel feelings we have never before felt.
I feel that one day, the most beautiful sentence in the world will be said. And i won't be there to hear it.
Brain feeling too heavy, must weigh it down with some pointless tears. Thats what happens when you're sleepy, you react too violently to, for example the fact that the window is still overlooking a wall, or that the Chopin is cutting your heart into little pieces...
would you like a little piece mr blatantly chirpy sunshine?
would you, mr gloomy room with no air or light?
I think you should share, half half, and then we would all have a tea party. No mad hatters though because that would invite some curiously interesting people. We wouldn't want that. Why would we ever want to invite something extraordinary into our lives? That would just break a routine, that would force us to search for new ways, to use our mind, to emote, to feel feelings we have never before felt.
I feel that one day, the most beautiful sentence in the world will be said. And i won't be there to hear it.
30.1.05
24.1.05
1 hour left to go
Well, its 1 hour before my classes start. My brain is so out of it from like 11 hours of sleep (time zones suck ass) that i'll be one lovely zombie in Italian class. All of my close friends are still stranded in random states because there is too much snow for even a bus to come here. I feel like i'm on an island and no one normal is ever going to come here to recue me :P Nah i exaggerate, i'm still as sanely insane as i always will be.
Two days ago, at dinner, there was a group of girls huddled around this one guy. Now you're thinking, huh a Guy in Smith College, and i'm responding, yes lots of them :'(. In any case this guy was telling a wildly amusing story about how he was mixed up with Laura Bush. now i'm thinking, the likelihood of this Laura being the real Laura vs my roommate Laura. Because from behind they have the same length of blonde wavey hair ( :S ). So anyways, i go up to him and all like, yo i'm Lauras roommate. All suave like. NOw this guy's name is Ezra and he looks like Jesus. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, but lol listen to what comes next. So hes all like yeah you should really tell Laura to be more open about her opinions, and not to be afraid. Now on one level i'm like Yeah gooo opinions, but on another i'm like Huh, Laura be More opinionated?? So the next day we happen to meet again at brunch and we talk some more, and its not surprising he doesn't know where Belgium is, and he asks whether they speak english there ?!?! lol and then i realise that he has never been to college and been spending the last 2 years backpaking around Southern America... still no excuse :P:P So hes like this odd mixture of the zen master with complete airhead hippy aftertones. So he was supposed to call me yesterday to make snow people with a bunch of people, but sniff they forgot about me...i'll live.
Two days ago, at dinner, there was a group of girls huddled around this one guy. Now you're thinking, huh a Guy in Smith College, and i'm responding, yes lots of them :'(. In any case this guy was telling a wildly amusing story about how he was mixed up with Laura Bush. now i'm thinking, the likelihood of this Laura being the real Laura vs my roommate Laura. Because from behind they have the same length of blonde wavey hair ( :S ). So anyways, i go up to him and all like, yo i'm Lauras roommate. All suave like. NOw this guy's name is Ezra and he looks like Jesus. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, but lol listen to what comes next. So hes all like yeah you should really tell Laura to be more open about her opinions, and not to be afraid. Now on one level i'm like Yeah gooo opinions, but on another i'm like Huh, Laura be More opinionated?? So the next day we happen to meet again at brunch and we talk some more, and its not surprising he doesn't know where Belgium is, and he asks whether they speak english there ?!?! lol and then i realise that he has never been to college and been spending the last 2 years backpaking around Southern America... still no excuse :P:P So hes like this odd mixture of the zen master with complete airhead hippy aftertones. So he was supposed to call me yesterday to make snow people with a bunch of people, but sniff they forgot about me...i'll live.
12.1.05
New Years and Geneva
1. New Years
After a good afternoon lolling around in my cousins' apartment, and watching part of another weird ass Kubrick movie, fluff myself up Sarah style (muy glitter et squeeze into those jeans u ain't got ur ass into since Summer) hop into car with cousin we shall hence forth be calling Stefan. Have a lovely heart to heart with him while noticing the curious amount of drempels in the country of Belgium.
Once at the abode of my uncle and aunt, giggle away like the little school girl that i am along with Tom and we totally make ourselves a lot more hyper than we should be for a scouts new years and a scouts prepared new years dinner. After Tom insists we shall not be fashionably late to a scouts party but be retardedly early, we gag him with a spoon throw him in the boot of the car and go there...fashionably early. The party is already *jumpin'* by the time we are there, and i am thrown into a room with 25 Flem scouts. It is a beautiful sight...all this youth intermingling with champagne glasses. They talk and i have no clue what their saying 95% of the time, but my dashing smile blinds them all into speaking english. Belgian ppl speaking english rocks. me speaking flemish is non existant :)
So we are seated at this long table and wait for food. EVERYONE smokes. not just cigarettes, but cigarillos and cigars. Tom decides that blowing cigar smoke in my hair is a funny thing. I sadly do not agree with this and accidentally hit his face a few times. There is a lot of cunning food throwing, playing with the candles and telling people that smoking is bad for them. I eat more than i should (!! i know) and add those extra 3 kilos to the resolutions list.
After that we all go back to the bar area and schmooze for a bit. We watch a bad countdown program on the telly and HAPPY NEW YEAR. then we haved to kiss everyone in the room; Everyone. And certain male scouts in the room kiss each other twice on the cheek and then once lightly on the lips, i find this weird. Then this one guy with heavy flem dialect asks me"soo what uur name lassiieee", me responding; "yEaaaahh".
*Soy uuun marinerooo, soooy un capitan*
SO, where was i? Oh yeah and the Tom gets bored. The eternal tom gets bored. So i decide to stay, because i've come here to get LAID :D (i'm kidding, honest, i am). So one of the scouts, kinda cute one really :), offers me a ride on his ...wait for it...moped, now this moped was like a super moped because it fit both his little ass and my massive one at the same time. 25 km an hour, helmetless, liscenceless down a pothole full coutry road at 2 in the morning Sarah realises " What the hell am i doing here". Admitedly i had gotten more tipsy along the night, had headbanged to Liquido for 3 minutes straight, i mean if that doesn't proove it what does :P The party was kinda lame and my semi drunken state all i wanted to do was kiss the dude. I did not do that because as they say in Lithuanian tradition *correct me if i'm wrong* whatever happens right at new years determines what the rest of the year will be like. I didn't want ti to be kissing 17 yr old scouts.
2. Geneva (tribute to those who were there)
A lot more lolling around, seeing people i honestly haven't seen for 3 monthes. It was scary how much i missed these people i had started to find too close for my comfort. Like the average Geneva group who went out every night in the Summer and the faces we'd all grown a little tired of seeing day after day, i was trying to suck in every last drop of their character facial expression and voice, because i miss my highschool friends so damn much. Even the most idiotic character in my life there, struck a special chord.
Seeing Yasi and having someone laugh over the same old stupid things i said was like aww. Seeing Bibi who i thought i had drifted away from a little was amazing because we suddenly had this crazy connection in sense of humor again. Seeing Marion who was my buddy through nearly yhe whole thing gave this odd chill because it was like woah man we've been through crazy much and you've stayed here while i'm in the US and i keep reminded myself the reasons why i left he familiar. Miss being really immature and silly with marion :) Miss Niccolo even who i thought at certain points in this year i might probably never want to talk to has become one of the more considerate people i know. I miss how I talked about everything in my life with Aye aye, she was in all my classes and we still just picked up like that the random conversational tangents. And Francesco, mann, the boy who has also been there since the beginning practically a brother the one who i could say anything to and everyone so matured and so moved on. Lilach from the army, what the hell u doing there Lilach :) a little more cynical maybe but at heart the same wise moral standpoint i clung on to for dear life when things got a little more rocky in life. Shyambo, we talked through these three monthes but its not the same, its that smile that goes with Sarahli and that nudge nudge at every sentence, i miss the good old Geneva sense of humor *sigh*.
After a good afternoon lolling around in my cousins' apartment, and watching part of another weird ass Kubrick movie, fluff myself up Sarah style (muy glitter et squeeze into those jeans u ain't got ur ass into since Summer) hop into car with cousin we shall hence forth be calling Stefan. Have a lovely heart to heart with him while noticing the curious amount of drempels in the country of Belgium.
Once at the abode of my uncle and aunt, giggle away like the little school girl that i am along with Tom and we totally make ourselves a lot more hyper than we should be for a scouts new years and a scouts prepared new years dinner. After Tom insists we shall not be fashionably late to a scouts party but be retardedly early, we gag him with a spoon throw him in the boot of the car and go there...fashionably early. The party is already *jumpin'* by the time we are there, and i am thrown into a room with 25 Flem scouts. It is a beautiful sight...all this youth intermingling with champagne glasses. They talk and i have no clue what their saying 95% of the time, but my dashing smile blinds them all into speaking english. Belgian ppl speaking english rocks. me speaking flemish is non existant :)
So we are seated at this long table and wait for food. EVERYONE smokes. not just cigarettes, but cigarillos and cigars. Tom decides that blowing cigar smoke in my hair is a funny thing. I sadly do not agree with this and accidentally hit his face a few times. There is a lot of cunning food throwing, playing with the candles and telling people that smoking is bad for them. I eat more than i should (!! i know) and add those extra 3 kilos to the resolutions list.
After that we all go back to the bar area and schmooze for a bit. We watch a bad countdown program on the telly and HAPPY NEW YEAR. then we haved to kiss everyone in the room; Everyone. And certain male scouts in the room kiss each other twice on the cheek and then once lightly on the lips, i find this weird. Then this one guy with heavy flem dialect asks me"soo what uur name lassiieee", me responding; "yEaaaahh".
*Soy uuun marinerooo, soooy un capitan*
SO, where was i? Oh yeah and the Tom gets bored. The eternal tom gets bored. So i decide to stay, because i've come here to get LAID :D (i'm kidding, honest, i am). So one of the scouts, kinda cute one really :), offers me a ride on his ...wait for it...moped, now this moped was like a super moped because it fit both his little ass and my massive one at the same time. 25 km an hour, helmetless, liscenceless down a pothole full coutry road at 2 in the morning Sarah realises " What the hell am i doing here". Admitedly i had gotten more tipsy along the night, had headbanged to Liquido for 3 minutes straight, i mean if that doesn't proove it what does :P The party was kinda lame and my semi drunken state all i wanted to do was kiss the dude. I did not do that because as they say in Lithuanian tradition *correct me if i'm wrong* whatever happens right at new years determines what the rest of the year will be like. I didn't want ti to be kissing 17 yr old scouts.
2. Geneva (tribute to those who were there)
A lot more lolling around, seeing people i honestly haven't seen for 3 monthes. It was scary how much i missed these people i had started to find too close for my comfort. Like the average Geneva group who went out every night in the Summer and the faces we'd all grown a little tired of seeing day after day, i was trying to suck in every last drop of their character facial expression and voice, because i miss my highschool friends so damn much. Even the most idiotic character in my life there, struck a special chord.
Seeing Yasi and having someone laugh over the same old stupid things i said was like aww. Seeing Bibi who i thought i had drifted away from a little was amazing because we suddenly had this crazy connection in sense of humor again. Seeing Marion who was my buddy through nearly yhe whole thing gave this odd chill because it was like woah man we've been through crazy much and you've stayed here while i'm in the US and i keep reminded myself the reasons why i left he familiar. Miss being really immature and silly with marion :) Miss Niccolo even who i thought at certain points in this year i might probably never want to talk to has become one of the more considerate people i know. I miss how I talked about everything in my life with Aye aye, she was in all my classes and we still just picked up like that the random conversational tangents. And Francesco, mann, the boy who has also been there since the beginning practically a brother the one who i could say anything to and everyone so matured and so moved on. Lilach from the army, what the hell u doing there Lilach :) a little more cynical maybe but at heart the same wise moral standpoint i clung on to for dear life when things got a little more rocky in life. Shyambo, we talked through these three monthes but its not the same, its that smile that goes with Sarahli and that nudge nudge at every sentence, i miss the good old Geneva sense of humor *sigh*.
2.1.05
Resolutions 2005
1. Find peace of mind
2. Be Healthy
3. Practise piano
4. Make American friends
5. See summer as opportunity and not as a continent thing
6. Have fun without throwing yourself at more than one person at a time
7. Learn that there is hope in nearly everything, sometimes time takes its time to move forwards
2. Be Healthy
3. Practise piano
4. Make American friends
5. See summer as opportunity and not as a continent thing
6. Have fun without throwing yourself at more than one person at a time
7. Learn that there is hope in nearly everything, sometimes time takes its time to move forwards
1.1.05
I've been delayed, I've been delayed
Yeah so its all screwed over now, world inside out and stuff like that. Don't have what i could get, sorta want what i can't get or shouldn't get. Its like i have it all wishy washy next to each other all in different states of fucked upness.
I'll never really be from one country, never have an essential identity, never can honestly tell someone where i'm from without giving them a 2 minute explanation. It sorta sucks being this exotic, it really does have its strings attached. I mean you can be patriotic for one thing but it'll never really be real. You can pick the country u like the most, but then u cant back out with its flaws and u have to ardently like it but with reason so that you can be credible to those dissing the country. You have to understand the ideology behind the choices it has made and finally you have to have a credible accent in it and have a normal conversation.
Man, was randomly placed in this odd situation where i didn't know anyone last night and everyone looked like they were one of the "beautiful people" all the boys with their oh so perfect,"oh i couldn't care less" shaggy haircuts and all the girls layered oh so appropriately with their hair wipped around 16 times screaming "mess me up some more honey". Yeah so they were all pretty and shit and we were standing outside the dancing bar place because it was so full and it was freezing. Amidst oogling all the pretty people i was just constantly thinking I NEED BED. So i mean no matter how much u wanna disapear behind a wall or watever to be able to breath amongst all these strangers, your basic needs like sleep still need to be fulfilled.
And then there were all those moments where you could have carpe diemed and you didn't again, but you realise afterwards that you really hadn't missed out o much when u hadn't so it really was all up to Skill and not blindly jumping into valleys.
You remember that gerbil that was running around in my head like a motherfucker?, well now hes also the messenger from hell carrying through thoughts which make more sence to the emotional within us, than mr and mrs rational.
Keeeel the gerbil Keel
I'll never really be from one country, never have an essential identity, never can honestly tell someone where i'm from without giving them a 2 minute explanation. It sorta sucks being this exotic, it really does have its strings attached. I mean you can be patriotic for one thing but it'll never really be real. You can pick the country u like the most, but then u cant back out with its flaws and u have to ardently like it but with reason so that you can be credible to those dissing the country. You have to understand the ideology behind the choices it has made and finally you have to have a credible accent in it and have a normal conversation.
Man, was randomly placed in this odd situation where i didn't know anyone last night and everyone looked like they were one of the "beautiful people" all the boys with their oh so perfect,"oh i couldn't care less" shaggy haircuts and all the girls layered oh so appropriately with their hair wipped around 16 times screaming "mess me up some more honey". Yeah so they were all pretty and shit and we were standing outside the dancing bar place because it was so full and it was freezing. Amidst oogling all the pretty people i was just constantly thinking I NEED BED. So i mean no matter how much u wanna disapear behind a wall or watever to be able to breath amongst all these strangers, your basic needs like sleep still need to be fulfilled.
And then there were all those moments where you could have carpe diemed and you didn't again, but you realise afterwards that you really hadn't missed out o much when u hadn't so it really was all up to Skill and not blindly jumping into valleys.
You remember that gerbil that was running around in my head like a motherfucker?, well now hes also the messenger from hell carrying through thoughts which make more sence to the emotional within us, than mr and mrs rational.
Keeeel the gerbil Keel
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