Omnipotence

Hi,
I'm still here.
Its been a while, and where have I been?
Oh all over, a little bit within myself, quite a bit without myself. To use the overused metaphor, its been a rollercoaster ride, and its not about to stop. Yay for life! I'm serious, its been quite drab until now, and it feels like i'm finally living it. "Growing up". Who thought that would ever happen? Well, it hasn't really happened yet but i feel it creeping up on me. I'm more ready for it than I was a year ago i'm sure about that.

I've learnt so much in the past 4 monthes its wonderful. Not facts or information, but reality and self awareness. Sounds a bit boring like that, but without reality what have I got? Oh, just my life for the past 19 years i suppose :) I've learnt about love, and how i'm having a hard time exercising it. Love is everywhere and we take it for granted. Now that I treasure it within this big heart of mine, I have no clue what to do with it. Its going to take a few more bold leaps of faith and a true grasp on life to truely kiss it and say "your existance is magical and makes my life a lot better".

I've learnt about pain, and about hurting others. Insensitivity is an easy emotion to acquire when you've got it all. A nice helping of irresponsibility adds to that as well. Some of you will know what i'm talking about, others won't. Its all relative and don't bother comparing your life to mine, because we are, as you all must know by now, unique snowflakes.

Many things i wish i could have done differently, but that doesn't stop me from working hard right now. Working my BUTT off to become this better me. And then from time to time sitting back and enjoying what i've accomplished, and revising what i've mistaken. Oh this sounds like lovely ideals, great optimism Alexandra great. Heh, sounds like the same old spiel, but its coming in a new packaging, and its called introspection. To lead a better life, i need my love to be here.

I have no capacity for missing people, my emotional missing bucket is full. I miss a lot of people all the time. But this is not possible fore I've said goodbye to many many people in my youth, many of which i haven't thought of since. How cold hearted you might think, but that is the way one must deal with it if one is to live a semi decent fictous childhood. Mine was fabulous, but now the consequences must be dealt with and a lot of honesty.

Honesty.
Another word that is thrown around like a ping pong ball. I don't claim to know it better than other people. But the others they are so bad with it. Zombies going around preaching honesty. Yeah.right. If you were really honest, you'd spend a little time explaining to yourself about all those times you stared at someone cry coldheartedly, you thought all those risqué thoughts that could banish you from any social group and when something really made you upset. Honesty is dangerous and its all yours. People don't cherish it, YOU have the power to tell YOURSELF everything thats going on. BUt we are scared, we are mice shivering in the laboratory. HAH i don't care, i'm going to look at it all anyways, screw the scientists. (shes really gone mad now, no no fellow readers, this metaphor doesn't really hold up anywhere but in my MIND)

I love you Ted. I miss, miss, miss, it all, and IOU kiss on the back. (time away really helping it all in perspective)( you were right. as usual :))