You don't get to feel good

As a kid, people went away in my life. a lot.
so what.
so a lot right now. I don't know how to rationally miss someone. You say, but I've seen you miss people all the time. Yes but not with the loving and emotion that I've always wanted to miss someone. I want to miss people I want to think oh what could i send them, oh when can I call them next. I love more people than I admit to. Yes love, love is a big word. People you are close to you tend to love. I can't accept that idea sometimes. Love is for family and boyfriends. Even then its hard to accept, that this word that so many times shunned within pop culture and society is what i feel for quite a few people.

I don't like feeling happy. Or so it seems. Everytime something is important to someone else there flies a sarcastic comment or complete indifference. I can feign happiness but it isn't let out. I'm not an evil bitch. I just have a limit. I hate this limit and I am determined to change it.
I have a limit on happiness. Yeah, not superficial "oh this dress is so pretty" happiness. real, this moment is important, "i'm in love with this moment please let me bask in this happiness for a long long time" happiness. I so strongly care for this person, this person makes me so fucking happy that I will throw my emotions in, and when something sad happens i will feel sad. I will voluntarily bear myself for the world. Because if I don't then whats the fucking point in life?
I cry and I cry, because of the possibility of something good being able to come out of life. Tears of happiness. Tears of bitterness towards the times in the past I've robbed them from people. No one out there has any idea what i'm talking about. But I do, so thats okay, enough for me.
No one around me feels intensly, no one around me thinks intensly. I'm not talking about a math problem. I'm talking about a personal emotional life problem. Not saving the children in Africa, I'm talking about saving yourself from waking up one morning and feeling empty or disgusted. From going on auto pilot and saying, why the hell did i do these things; this doesn't look a bit like me. This looks like my parents, my friends, images. Who am I, the eternal question. Mid-teen thought holy shit i don't want to turn 20 and ask myself these stupid philosophical questions. I know who I am, I'm me! what kind of a stupid concept.
but really, who am I?
Heh, I know. I actually know who I am. I'm not her at this moment though, because a lot of things I do right now do not follow with what I really want. They follow with who I used to be, the little girl thinking her parents relationship was the ideal one, the silly teenager who thought everything was good but how really she didn't take control of anything. And now the 19yr old, realising she has full control of everything she touches, she could loose a lot in life, she could win even more at life, she can make herself happy, she controls every single step that she makes as she moves forwards.

Scary

heh, but what isn't that is truely this exhilaratingly important?

I'm living where I want to be living
I'm with the people I want to be
I'm trying to gain a fairer understanding with my past and the people of my past
I'm trying to gain stability within love
I'm trying to work at what is good for me
I'm trying to live in the real world

I'm not tryying anything, i'm quite lazy about myself, thinking that I have a life to fall back onto. But I don't I"m never going to change this life and I'm NOT MAKING IT GOOD ENOUGH!

That last one, believe it or not folks, is pretty damn hard (living in the real world). Who took care of EVERYTHING before now? my parents. Who really really takes care of everything now? Ted. Who is starting to wake up and smell the paranoia and throw herself into it? My cat. No heh it is actually me this time! Wooooooo
responsibility, they told us about that in 8th grade about 9th grade. but that was easy!
Now its like outside of the ecolint bubble.
I want things to be good. Yet I'm tempted to make them bad. I didn't think this was me, but it actually is. I feel attacked sometimes. I am the culprit a lot of times. I love happy, it makes me cry because I've had 2 weeks of it. 2 weeks back in March, was the only time in my life when I was truely HAPPY. Yes HAPPY
I cry more.
Ted sings out loud. I love the 30% of false notes. Thats what made me fall in love with him.

Not the kind they sing about in songs or talk about in Disney movies. I'm too cynical for some of that and rob it from people who have felt it or say they have. Its not even the ideal stuff, its just whats important to people. I don't like it when people are overly happy about something. They don't deserve it because I don't get to have it. I have a limit. Can you fucking believe it? Sarah has a limit. Alexandra shouldn't. Why does Sarah have a limit? Because bad things, pretty bad things happened as a kid and they weren't allowed to be felt through, they were just blinded by more happy things. So happy things was all she knew. Seriously, ask me any day how was your childhood/adolescence and I'll be like nothing went wrong, absolutely nothing went wrong. Which is wrong too. Things were bad, i just wasn't given an outlet to feel about them. Yes can you imagine I'm asking for a place to feel sad. ASking to feel sad.

An emotion which must be felt sometimes.

its all the ying yang. you can't have the white part without the little black dot.

Feeling sad feels good too, it feels honest. Everything honest feels very very good.

I'm not going to ruin this weekend.
I'm going ot be shit scared. BUt i'm not killing it.
It can't die. It could be so good.