Nothings gonna change my world

A lot is, but this song is so soothing right now.
I can't think about all the bad things all the time.
Its too much.
I'm not Jesus Christ.
Jesus.
I mean where did that notion even come from, he didn't even fucking exist.
I like stories and myths and antique jerusalem but who the fuck can spend their whole life thinking about all the suffering in the whole world.
Its inhuman.
Humane.
I like to think about these things, because its catharctic.
But thinking about having to think about it every day is tough.
It sucks it out of me
and you force me to do it.
thats what it feels like
I like to feel sad.
I like attention
I like anger
I like all of it
because thats how we are.
unless we're Buddha.
I want to go to Barcelona. Live this fantasy life.
An apartment overlooking the main street. close to the sea, being able to hear the sea.
oh the colors of Barcelona, the seppia painted landscapes. the people dripping natural style.
You can't forbid me from going.
Demons within me, bubbling away, don't think about us.
Just a skeleton rocking on a chair with some flesh thrown upon it. Skinny can be so ugly sometimes. Thats what the mother said in full fury. Look at yourself in the mirror! You're so ugly now. I felt ugly. Inside. Only because there was so much going on in there. Such an insane battle.
You always get what you want.
Subconsciously or Consciously.
Eitherway, you always fight for what it is you really want.
That sometimes really sucks, but then it also tells you why you act certain ways.
Its like a math problem.
working backwards.
I remember writing here when depressed after nights of drinking out in Geneva. God my life felt so pointless then. And i was too much in denial to think about it everyday. I don't think I would have done anything drastic abotu it, but it would have been nice to live in reality.
I mean seriously, whats the point of deluding yourself in the only time on earth that you have?
Such a holistic point of view all of a sudden eh Alexandra.

Adia reminds me of a really nice friend I had as a kid called Aida. She was so nice. And funny. I didn't speak spanish and she didn't speak english at first. We had so much fun.

Memories.
I want to go down memory lane.

I wonder where all my aupairs are they are probably so old by now, maybe even in their 30s!
I miss Thonex. It had a little garden per person and then it didn't close at the end but just opened out into a big field with a playground. And the slide after it rained you could go down on a plastic bag. It was so dangerous. And you could see the mountains. And I had a birthday party there, olympic games. And the clown that came all the time. Right now thinking of him he feels creepy. Clowns are creepy sometimes.
No one can stop me from memories. The cleaning lady who put massive pieces of garlic in the meatballs.
Hmm the Shins, so soft to the brain.
Its the first CD i was hooked on right after I met you. Overwhelmed by how much I cared for you and lack of sleep I sat in the library on the couch facing the window and just smiled and thought abotu it all while listening to the Shins. Snow melting and sun shining, it fit the music. Sounds like icicles dripping away all the time.
Back to memory mode. Running up the stairs, spirally stairs. Going to the attic, I can't remember it anymore. THe guest room next to mine across from me parents with the bathroom of two sinks. Mixing up earlier holland house with this one. The mind plays tricks. I'm not very good at thinking things in my head, sometimes I just have to write them out. The dog coming in and my cat scratching it's eye out.
The shins are just Northampton. I miss that life. I'm sad we couldn't have that perfect life there. It hurts like fuck all the time. I just don't notice it much mostly. heh.
The kitchen so new. Staying in that gross hotel before then. I really wanted to move. Moving was exciting. Heh mommy my best friend moved away, why can't we move? I couldn't swallow how much it was going to hurt leaving a place i'd lived in a whole 6 years of my life.
Street partys in Holland. Those books witht he pieces or letters that you had to fit with the stories. The english dutch dictionary for kids with all the pictures that i tried to get my aupairs interested in. No one gives a shit about dutch or holland. Its such a beautiful place. I want Ted to see it through my eyes. See the language as beautiful. Can't always ask for the impossible. CAn't force people to like things. He is happy when he sees how happy these things make me. I know him :)
Thonex, taking the bus from and to school every morning. Playing with the lizards on the wall. Using chalk infront of the drive way. Being the second to last at the very end of the housing complex. No walls to the complex. The rasberry bush. The Aupair who was a semi professional basket ball played. The constant cimetaries next to us. the wild field that had this abandoned hut in it that got bulldozed over to make a massive apartment complex with shopping. Riding the bike. Going to Molino. Going on top of the saleve. aupairs asking for help with romance. saying thank you for my naive responces to things. sure he'll call you back.going to belgium every summer. the amazing connection with my cousin Tom. how we drifted apart for a while in our early teens. me witht he excessive amounts of boyfriends and him with a touch too much angst. god i was insenstive. I'm quite disgusted with myself at times. Giggling till the wee hours in Montegrotto. Playing games underwater in the swimming pool. AquaGym. Early early swimming lessons from hell. hey I can swim now. Old italian people. How i didn't want to go to Montegrotto the last two years, but how my mom kept on swaying me into it. How i didn't the last year because I was standing my ground. or something. Really stupid valentines 2 years ago. how depressing i feel thinking about that. how i realise it doesn't matter because its an unalterable moment in the past.
Sitting there for hours watching Ieva flirt with Lorin and it just being a big game of nothingness. How i was amused and how I could have been doing a lot better things with my time instead of getting drunk, cry, be hugged by mentally slow man, and sit on my bed writing about it all on my blog as if my life had some huge revelation.
Hey I have more authority over my life now, but no need to shame what it was before. Appreciate it for what it was. Whatever that means.
Mexican birthday with piniata. delicious mexican food my mom made. The pantry with lots of food. the kitchen with the tiles that ate the food. the heater i spent countless hours on. burning my butt on the heater because it was too hot. the smell of the tv room. i will never be able to smell that again. god damnit that makes me really sad. I mean i don't want to go back tot hat time, i just want to be able to smell it one last time. I miss it so much. I miss my house, my home. Lasne isn't my home. my parents are a home, but not the hosue there. Its nice and big like the last one, but its sole purpose is for my parents to make it a home of their own. I went back to the garden, and house, but its not the same, its so dollhousy with Mme Long.
Doing math problems in my study room with my dad, being really bratty about it. Not really getting it half of the time but be smart enough tot ake the class and just pass. My room, my wonderfully big cosy room. it had two diagonal sides. My closets. and my big round table. the little one on the right with all the trinkets. and my bookshelf with books that i would just look at the pictures before going to sleep. I didn't read the great classic novels. I would have gotten into them ( some of them), but instead i chose to do 12 yr old puzzel things afte rmy exhausting evening of being online for 5 hours. Being woken up by my mom in the morning, her getting pissed off I wasn't waking up. Fresh squozed juice and the smell of fresh bread in the morning. my dad not being there a lot of the time. my dad sometimes waking up and getting a kiss from him in his nightrobe was so nice.listening to the radio and looking at the sunrise while driving to school. the traffic jams when we left too close to 8 o'clock.
The smell of your beard.
Closing my eyes and going to sleep for this night.