By Yasi

Here it is, you're lucky my publisher already knows that if i came
up with something this good it would have to have been stolen.


“The Squirrel and the monkey-named-bob” :Part One

Once upon a time, long long ago, in a land far, far away, on a dark
and stormy night (actually it was a hot summers day but thats not
nearly as poetic is it?!) there lived a little squirrel who went by
the name of Boris. Boris lived in a big, giant, huge, enormous oak
tree at the foot of the forest, with his mum, dad and his aunt Beryl
(who was really a man, but i'm sure you don't want any more
details).

one fine day Boris decided to throw a party...well not
actually throw a party, cuz throwing something that big could be
rather dangerous (you'll poke someone's eye out with that thing!),
but rather he decided to have a party, or "make" a party as the
retarded french-people-who-think-they-can-speak-english say. *ahem*
as i was saying before you rudely interrpted, Boris decided to
have a party, and to invite all his friends: (yes unlike some people he
actually had friends) including petra the frog, petunia the slug,
gladys the hedgehog and tum and phul the bears. and naturally he
invited a lot of random Russian guys (hopefully goodlooking ones) as
Boris the squirrel was obviously a Russian spy. well i'm not going
to bore you with a list of Russian names, instead i am goign to bore
you with the details of the party :-)

Boris's friends turned up at the tree at exactly 4gm sharp, like all good forest creatures they
were very punctual. they all went inside and began to demolish the
lifetimes supply of russian vodka that Boris had won in a
competition from the back of a cereal packet...yes squirrels do buy
cereal!...anyway, as i was saying...hmmm what was i saying?....ah
yes, Boris's party...they all got really drunk off the russian
( kids these days, always getting drunk!) except for Tum and Phul
the bears, cuz they couldnt climb the tree that Boris lived in. now
this was very unfair, because we all know that fat people (or bears
as the case may be) have feelings too! and the poor bears shouldnt
be discriminated agaisnt just because of their unnaturally large
size! but as the world is just so damn unfair, the poor bears were
stuck outside the tree, crying their poor little eyes out and
listening to the sounds of drunken madness from within.

Suddenly a monkey appeared from the skies, floating down to earth on a
mary-poppins-style umbrella and a tube of colgate toothpaste.
hello, my name is Bob," said the monkey.
there was a sudden silence in the room (or tree) as everyone drew in
their breath sharply and stared open-mouthed at the monkey.
“my God” exclaimed Boris.
“Yes?” said the cute little grasshoppper from the
nearby bush.


....to be continued....

anyway, as i was saying...

Part Two: the squirrel

OK so there was this moneky floating down from the sky last time right? well then suddenly it started to rain, and all the monkey opened the tube of colgate toothpaste. the toothpaste mixed with rain made a pretty little substance called foam, and all the animals (apart from the poor bears of course) enjoyed a noice foam party. they frolicked in the foam til the sun appeared on the horizon, looking like a big drop of honey coated with sugar and covered with chocolate icing. from the foam sprouted huge bubbles, which were of course edible, and the animals had great fun eating them, along wiht the edible paper clips which have to appear in every story.

Boris the squirrel was having a wonderful time at his party, but he also felt sorry for the poor little bearlings stuck outside in the cold. in a gesture of goodwill Boris went outside to see the poor buggers, but instead of finding bears he found deliciuos looking mushrooms. these mushrooms looked so edible that Boris just had to eat one (bloody men, no self control!). anway, Boris ate the mushroom, and realised a litttle too late that is was a magic mushroom. the sky turned a beautiful shade of turquoise, and the grasshopper suddenly looked very much like dinner. despite the protests of the small and insignificant creature, Boris the squirrel ate the grasshopper, and never discovered that his true identity was God of the universe. but really God should take on a more obvious persona, like a lion, or even a polar bear...i mean who takes a grasshopper seriously??

so once Boris was fully satisfied with his meal, he decided to approach Bob the monkey. Now bob was well know throughout the southern hemisphere for his "bed escapades" , (i'll tell you bout that when you're older), so Boris was quite familiar with his type. Bob insisted that life was quite normal here on this beautiful little planet, but Boris was not convinced. he had seen the cruelty and the creativity of the human race, but he was not impressed. Bob on the other hand believed in a greater good for humanity, with lollipops and love for all.
"no es amor, lo que tu sientes, se llama obsesion", said the monkey.
"i can show you the world, shining shimmering splendid...tell me princess now when did you last let your heart decide...", said the squirrel.
and suddenly a porcupine climbed out of it's hole and yawned widely,full of the hope and enlightenment of the middle class...

to be continued....